no subject at all

I never ever say what really bothers me most of them time because i just don't careee.
But really i just need to write it and somehow, maybe i just won't care all over again.

I really hate when i don't know what to say,
or when i can't make conversation because i'm afraid i'll say something dumb or something that goes to far.
or when i can't be my self when most of the time i really am,
i hate it when i sit in silence and i know things should be said,
i hate it when i'm confused and i let myself stay that way,
when people don't answer me when i know they're there and i'm always there,
when people say NM,
when people don't realize they can tell me anything and i'll listen,
i hate odd numbers,
when people don't use you're and your properly,
i don't hate hypocrites because i am one sometimes.
when people just say things without thinking,
i hate when others can't tell i'm not okay when i can easily tell they aren't,
when i spill coffee all over my cup every time because apparently i can't drink from a cup properly.


I decided not to get the Play Crack tattoo. I really love that song, the lyrics, the melody, the fact that some people learned to play it on a guitar just for me, i love the meaning, i love how i understand it. Although, i cannot believe it. i really cannot truly believe in the song and if i get it tattooed to me, it will be like a constant reminder of it...and i don't want that.

goodnight.


this girl is my sisterrr.

Sounds of my Day 3

-You tried to put out a fire but you used Gasoline.
-Bacon Smoothie!
-Baaaaaahhhh. Murmurrrmurrr.
-"Want to know something daunting J? Love IS everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for...and the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk ever more."
-"Okay, so did you bring the chronic?"
-" think we'd have beautiful children."
-"Here, hold my fist. You lost hand privileges."
-"Where do you find these people Joan?"
-"I am a lesbian, but only on Tuesdays."
-"I want to be Jesse Lacey when I grow up. It requires wearing plaid shirts everyday and living in a van."
- "Joan you cannot just dance and meow in class."
- Skeptical hippo is...skeptical.
- Awkward frantic jellyfish.
- "This is a Metropolitan Avenue bound M train...the next stop is Myrtle Wycoff."
- The most beautiful boogieman.
- One foot out the door. Everybody seems so sure. I'm gonna lose my way. As if they were the ones to put the keys in the lock. I can't solve the war. I can't feel my face.
- "is the umbillical cord on the heart?"
- " Today, I will find out if I'm an aunt or uncle."
- Joanbug.
- stephanie: "it's 7 deg--"
J:" it's seven de-shut the fuck up."
- I'd arrest you if I had handcuffs, I'd arrest you if I had the time."
-Play Crack The Sky.
- It feels good waking up to you.
-Kim: "Peeshka just licked my yogurt and I want to punch her in the throat."
J: Your vagina has a THROAT?!"
- "So let me get this straight, I'm your girlfriend, best friend, and sister?"
-I collect memories.
-He's an island to discover.
-I just want to take a hairbrush and weed out all the complications.
-"And I shout that you're all fakes. Your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation. You're just jealous. I'm sorry if I dissed you"
- "I walk these streets and I wonder, who do I belong to?"
-Kim: "it is not okay to be sick, sad, lost or poor. I wish both of us stayed like this forever and we always laughed and everyone's heart would stay whole. It would be okay. In fact, It would make my life."
- "This is a nowhere bound 13 train, the next stop is Soul St. Stand clear of the closing wings..."

What can i say.

If only this got me through college.



STRAIGHT out of an american apparel ad. Or not.

alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402291881344016930" />

Oh. Okay.



Hardcore hipster. I'm glad i don't know this man...boy...thing...




Oh okay. That's cool.



look at this kitty. I really can't handle it.



minus Choke and Brave New World, those are my favorite books. And some hipster has a tattoo if it. I am shaking my head in dismay. It is not okay. I would like to believe that he is the unoriginal one, not me.

and another one.

another second,
another breath,
another hour,
another step,
another train ride,
another conversation,
another day,
another blink,
another word unsaid.

Epiphany.
I may sound cliche, but the following is fact. Equivalent to saying the sun is a star.
Every day passes and we sit and wait and do nothing. I wish some things weren't gradual, i wish they just came.
We seek solace in ones we must chase and ignore the ones who are there all along.
We stay in situations that tear us in many directions without doing anything.
We feel our souls sink when we witness a tragedy and stay quiet until we fall apart.
What i just breathed, what i just did a second ago...it's gone forever. I can't just go back and move my hand in another direction, i can't just go back and take the bus home instead of the train, i can't just go back and somehow save my mom, i can't just go back and undo things that made my life tumultuous.
But you know what? We feed off this tumultuous nature; we almost enjoy the drama.
No, that's a lie. I don't enjoy it..in fact, i want to punch drama in the throat. As if it were a real person. Some people enjoy it though...such fools.
So if the second i just felt is gone, then i want the next one to be better. I want the promise to be true. I hope it's true. I just really want it to be.



I really like this cat. His name is Lindy.

our bodies washed up

I don't know what it is but i'm incredibly tired of school and i just want it to end and oh my god it's just too much. Can i really do this?

All i want to do is look at beautiful things, read words that make me forget myself, love like i've never loved before, paint a picture of my life, listen to melodies that make my soul dance and watch the sun rise and set without looking away.

I want my body tattooed with all the things i love.

I want to take a boat ride to Boston and think about Play Crack the Sky.

I want the weather to be warm so i can just lose all inhibitions and run ravishly through the sand into the water and splash it over the please so i can make the ocean the know tham i'm there and that i love it with all my body.

Jesus CHRIST i have so much i want to give and do. I can't understand why at this very moment i feel like i'm going to burst if i don't do something extravagant and beautiful and glorious.

I'm tired of my dad being a dick. I just don't fucking care any more and won't care i swear. I can't stand to be held back anymore. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

i think run on sentences are better than normal sentences. it doesn't matter if there's too many "ands" and fluffy nonsense.

there is no adjective part 2

The rose has but a summer's reign but the daisy never dies.

Daisies were known through all the wars standing the test of time and keeping their grace and beauty. It also means days eve, in regards to how the flower opens. It opens in the morning and closes at night. how it comes full circle.

On Thursday, March 5th, i wrote the blog named "There is no Adjective." I deleted it because i grew to believe there really was an adjective for it. I was wrong, severely wrong. No word will ever suffice for what I felt on that day, for what feelings encapsulated my body and led me to write such honest words. What i felt then, is still present as I type these words. The closest thing to it is a daisy. It withstands battles, hate, war, tramplings, everything that is regarded as destructive in this world.


- SO i feel the need to discuss what happened at the get together in Jason's honor. So at first it was just a couple of us doing hookah but then Vic and Nigel showed up...which of course completed the circle of happiness. Everyone was together...all six of us. We decided to grab some drinks somewhere and of course, the tequila shots came rolling in without a stop on sight. Everyone got wasted except Maddy. Every was smiling, overjoyed, pouring i love you's out to everyone...just plain awesome in a cup. As you can see in the photo, those were quite over sized cups resulting in double shots which of course, did not agree with my body. The following two days were horrendous, minus the time when i drank half a bottle of Bacardi. That was quite an experience. Anyway, i managed to miss an exam and a day I had a paper due. Note to self: never drink tequila when Nigel is involved.
But really, all jokes aside, that day was fantastical and it reminded me of what happiness really is. There is no adjective for it.


- So video chatting with vanessa is like eating popsicles on a 105 degree day.


- This is my father. He could be a dick sometimes but i still love him. Look at him drinking that coffee all proper. We were in Boston here over looking Cape Anne: one of the most beautiful places in the world. Someone come with me there again.



15th
5th
7th
3rd
5th
24th
5th

no subject. at all.

FJLSKGJWOIGJIBKFDBREHGRHOIJERIOJBNDKBNDJRHEAOIGRHGBUFJBNDBKJKSDLGJISGOEWIG
GKFGJIFDJHRAEOERIOBJIBKDBKLDGIGJGKEHWIGTEWGHRIGFDJGRLKGHEWUHRJGHDFBUIDGHUI
JKGHRGKWEHGWHRUGJHBVJHFDHEUGEUIYRWUIFEHFJDKGHDJKVBJKVSDJKGHSEFUEYHFUIGHJDS
DHJGVHSEUKFGEUIFHEUJHJKVBSDGJKEHFIUWHFEUGVDKVBNLKGHLEAUTOIETYEIOGHSBKHKJHD
NVCBVNLDKSGHEIYEHITYEWIGHSBJKDBNHLKDSGHLKDGHLKDSGHKDSLVNLKDSGFAJGKVAFWAUGT
JKVBHDSJKGHUIGYWGYEUIDSBHKDSLBKDLBNGLKEGHOEWIGWRGURIOSBNSKBVNDKBHISODEGEIO
NVDJSKGHEWGHWEITUYRWHWUGRNBKSJDNVKEJFHEIOYEHIOGHEWOIGVFSHVBKDSNBVFKSGHIKGH
VVNJSKGHESJHGSDJKHNJKVNDVDKVLNDSKLGHEIGHSIFSNBNBJFSHGOIESGHIREGHFSIBVNFSBN
FJLSKGJWOIGJIBKFDBREHGRHOIJERIOJBNDKBNDJRHEAOIGRHGBUFJBNDBKJKSDLGJISGOEWIG
GKFGJIFDJHRAEOERIOBJIBKDBKLDGIGJGKEHWIGTEWGHRIGFDJGRLKGHEWUHRJGHDFBUIDGHUI
JKGHRGKWEHGWHRUGJHBVJHFDHEUGEUIYRWUIFEHFJDKGHDJKVBJKVSDJKGHSEFUEYHFUIGHJDS
DHJGVHSEUKFGEUIFHEUJHJKVBSDGJKEHFIUWHFEUGVDKVBNLKGHLEAUTOIETYEIOGHSBKHKJHD
NVCBVNLDKSGHEIYEHITYEWIGHSBJKDBNHLKDSGHLKDGHLKDSGHKDSLVNLKDSGFAJGKVAFWAUGT
JKVBHDSJKGHUIGYWGYEUIDSBHKDSLBKDLBNGLKEGHOEWIGWRGURIOSBNSKBVNDKBHISODEGEIO
NVDJSKGHEWGHWEITUYRWHWUGRNBKSJDNVKEJFHEIOYEHIOGHEWOIGVFSHVBKDSNBVFKSGHIKGH
VVNJSKGHESJHGSDJKHNJKVNDVDKVLNDSKLGHEIGHSIFSNBNBJFSHGOIESGHIREGHFSIBVNFSBN
FJLSKGJWOIGJIBKFDBREHGRHOIJERIOJBNDKBNDJRHEAOIGRHGBUFJBNDBKJKSDLGJISGOEWIG
GKFGJIFDJHRAEOERIOBJIBKDBKLDGIGJGKEHWIGTEWGHRIGFDJGRLKGHEWUHRJGHDFBUIDGHUI
JKGHRGKWEHGWHRUGJHBVJHFDHEUGEUIYRWUIFEHFJDKGHDJKVBJKVSDJKGHSEFUEYHFUIGHJDS
DHJGVHSEUKFGEUIFHEUJHJKVBSDGJKEHFIUWHFEUGVDKVBNLKGHLEAUTOIETYEIOGHSBKHKJHD
NVCBVNLDKSGHEIYEHITYEWIGHSBJKDBNHLKDSGHLKDGHLKDSGHKDSLVNLKDSGFAJGKVAFWAUGT
JKVBHDSJKGHUIGYWGYEUIDSBHKDSLBKDLBNGLKEGHOEWIGWRGURIOSBNSKBVNDKBHISODEGEIO
NVDJSKGHEWGHWEITUYRWHWUGRNBKSJDNVKEJFHEIOYEHIOGHEWOIGVFSHVBKDSNBVFKSGHIKGH
VVNJSKGHESJHGSDJKHNJKVNDVDKVLNDSKLGHEIGHSIFSNBNBJFSHGOIESGHIREGHFSIBVNFSBN

i got nothin.

if it kills me

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

top of my mind

Wake up. Get out of bed and stop hiding under the duvet, no matter how warm it is. You will get nothing accomplished. Put some clothes on. Wear the red tights with the mustard yellow shoes. Arrange the 3 day old curls in your hair. Do something nice for yourself today. Get pretty for absolutely no reason other than to prove to yourself that you’re not worthless and sloven. Go to your favorite record store and listen to the old man’s playlist that usually consists of Howlin’ Wolf and strange 60s Middle Eastern music. Buy yourself your favorite garlic and tomato burrito, and make sure you get extra guacamole. Drive past Emily Dickinson’s house and imagine the lack of life she had. Spend the extra money on your favorite art magazine and plan a trip to Sweden in your head. Sing your favorite songs in your car. Make a pit stop to the reservoir. Collect the last leaves from autumn. Watch the sun sink into the horizon.Don’t stare at your phone and wait for it to vibrate. Don’t mope. Don’t think about the only men in your life that have belittled you this week. Don’t sit. Don’t wait. Don’t look at the time that you’ve always set to three hours behind. Don’t delay your life even though someone has attempted to delay yours."


Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do the same for them.

For the third reiteration, we are our biggest thieves. We allow a slight level of torture towards ourselves...a compensation mechanism if you must. Whether it be subconscious or conscious, it is present within most of us. We have sinned, so we permit a level of continuous failure to sort of, punish ourselves. I have watched myself commit this crime towards myself endless times, and it doesn't seem to fail.

We live a culture of guilt. Not of shame.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>


I know all right choices. I have an outline. I have the ideas. What holds us back is the fear of breaking someone else, of our skepticism towards the outcome, the future, the days we breathe alongside our decisions.

We fear the "ifs", the effects, the OTHER possibility and if it would've brought us more happiness. What holds me back is the hope of potential growth. We ponder it, we mull it over in our minds, we never let it leave our questionable minds.

Summer & Autumn

500 DAYS OF SUMMER is real. To the writer it's real. To the viewer...ME...it's real. He was Summer. YOU are my Autumn: the only season that matters.

mother do you remember.

We will rise.
Why is everything so trivial?...So insignificant?
I think Brutus was foolish for killing Ceasar. He did not gain a thing.
Some people consciously run from what could be good for them...others just don't know it's there...most couldn't care less...few take action...so which are you?
I seek what I can't have from those that won't give it me. It's something I can't escape.
A puzzle I'd like to put together is my father.
Mother forgive me I sold the car for the shoes that I give you.
mother remember being so stern with that boy who was with me?
daughters can be birds flying over the mountain.
mother i lost it all from the fear of the Lord I was giving.
Mother remember those pups cradled in our drawer covered in blankets?
mother remember reciting our prayer to the God we believed in together?
mother do you remember those melodies we sang about our pets?
do you remember your love of
Can there be a God who could take away such a person? Why would they hurt her...and let it resonate everytime I breathe?
I'll give my all because she never got a chance.
Music is what keeps my soul sound. Melodies heard in the still of the night feeds my body.
Trying to satisfy everyone is the worst think you can ever do. It will never work.

Moon is real

Moon was real...or at least she knew a lit flame would illicit pain. She was not sad, nor was she happy. Moon was incomprehensible to others; she slightly basked in this glory she inadvertently had yet she also resented its perpetual nature. A wish she sometimes hoped for was to be more approachable and less tangled. Even so, her thoughts were never placid yet her demeanor rarely reflected it. They were often raging so much that it was almost like a largely dynamic calm...almost soothing; to be some sort of dissonant silence. The credibility of her sanity often came to mind. Or maybe, she felt everything too much. She felt close to broken people. Fate wasn't something she seeked solace in...though she knew some things were meant to be more than others. She committed so many sins with the best of intentions, even throughout the act. She loved sincerely and secretly never completely let go of anything. She sometimes feels alone in a crowded place. Moon never likes...her capability runs from indifference to love without a bridge connecting the two.

Moon was real. She loathed conversing about the things she's in love with. She thought speaking of them cheapened their value; that they somehow seemed less important when trying to explain their golden nature. Perhaps this was a warped rationale. Moon was aloof.

Alone, she had no inhibitions because she did in fact care of others judgment. She knew everyone did as well, though pride won't permit mention of it. Was Moon alone in her endeavours? Was there a point in even having an endavour? Who cared? Who actually felt excitement in her hopeful success? She wants it all from you and all others because she can give her ALL as well. We are nothing without the grace of another's presence, though she sometimes forgot this fact. She knew she was her own biggest thief.

Moon was real. She chose those around her wisely; often she gave them everything. Her actions weren't to boost self-worth, they weren't to breathe easy. They weren't to fill to her quota for a ticket to Heaven....she knew some simply deserved it all. Everywhere she ventured, a melody led her steps. She thoroughly believes in the soundtrack to people's lives. Moon knew love when she saw it. She seldom talked about it; she didn't like those who promiscuously spoke of it. Love paralleled religion, the only difference is that love is real. It is by no means limited to thriving between people. Moon saw beauty in the slightest of movements. She enjoyed people's mannerisms...their minute characteristics. She saw so little but felt so much. One could mistake that for a burden because sometimes, she just wanted to feel nothing. She feared death and eternity...simultaneously.

However, loneliness was her most paramount fear. She couldn't comprehend normality.
She liked the unknown but craved hints; they made her ponder while providing a chance to create a logical possibilty based on thought alone. Moon doesn't see the gap between love and its polar opposite.

She liked branding herself on other's souls. She hoped to never be forgotten. She is stubborn. She is like a gargantuam, layered, intricate, lush oak tree. She is more than you'll ever bargain for and quite a feat to detangle. The past makes the present. She looks like any other girl except....she isn't. She knows many days of the year are uneventful, not worthy of recalling though she begs to differ. Every day, there is something new. It's a small journey, a heartache, a smile, a new memory, a new piece of furniture added to the giant room in her brain...nothing is nothing and everything is everything. Nothing is everything. Have patience. She teaches and learns with too much humility.

Moon is real. There were many other moons, other little planets revolving bigger planets--but really, there is only one MOON called the MOON. The sun indirectly pulls her...with a large being in between her and the sun. So the question is, who is her Earth? Who is her gravity?

It is the entity that fights all my trials

Love is kind and patient.
It writes the lyrics to its own melody.
It is neither bitter nor mean.
It can be hurtful at times, almost heart-wrenching
…but it is that which makes it trudge along.
I am often alone in my endeavors but can never fully say why.
Perhaps it is the fear that people are fleeting and no one will remain.
Why is it that parents sometimes cause regression rather than progression in their children?
Could it be their fears of seeing their children soar higher than they themselves?
Is it their own insecurities projected onto their little ones?
Maybe they simply aren’t acquainted with one another…
It’s a mystery equivalent to the strangeness of the universe.
I accept my misfortunes because they come when I least apprehend them.
Yet, happiness never seems to leave my body. It is the entity that fights all my trials.
I was told that I must change or I will watch my happiness dwindle…they told me I must NOT be alone in my endeavors, that my army of happiness needs backup and those must be other people. I was always a firm believer in facing things alone and never asking for help because those are signs of weakness but I can’t seem to disregard the strong advice I was given. This person has told me they do not need me because they’ve got tens of genuine, wholesome friends…some of them already deemed unnecessary. I was told by them that I myself, in fact, need them and I can no longer stay solitary.
Maybe, sometimes, I have to ask for help and hope they’ll still be there when I can reciprocate the favor. The question is, do I have such people? I am hoping so.
In times like these I miss my mother even more.
Regardless…I cannot help but be happy…in a contemplative mood.





In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.
top: Francisco Goya. A sick Spaniard who bled awesome.
middle: Claude Monet. The coiner of Impressionism...or rather this painting began the era. OHH LOOK AT THE LUMINOSITYYYYY.
Bottom: Monet.... it's just so rich in deep, warm colors that calms the soul in the mess of strokes.

ART & MUSIC MAKE MY LIFE.

Sounds of my Day 2...

Help me move this gargantuam piece of furniture will ya?...
"Quiero ir a la playa todos los dias..." "YOU SPEAK SOUTH AMERICAN?!"..."um..."
I'm going to remember you as a time of day catface...
This is a Rockaway Bound A train, next stop Euclid Avenue...
How can one not regret yet severely miss simultaneously?...
"I WANNA SMOKE MARIJUANA!"...
"Small iced coffee with skim and 2 splendas"..."sure"... :::adds whole milk:::
" I SAID SKIM!!!!!" :::dies:::
"Spare some change?..."
My body is the earth you are my gravity...
"Elvis go to sleep it's 3fuckingAM."... "I NEVER SLEEP!" :::flies:::
Happiness runs in the shape of colors...
DO I LOOK LIKE FOOD TO YOU SEAGULL?!?...
The problem is I eat 90,000 calories a day...
Joanie biffle i miss you...
How does it know i know Pashaaaa!!%^$?...
Are those real?...
This is Halsey street...
100 foot faces, God's good ocean gone wrong...
:::stomach rumbles:::
COPS!...
"If you were the wood I'd be the fire. If you were the love I'd be the desire"...
Hey Lady Bug...oh wait I'm Banana Peel right?...
Does Ronald McDonald live up there?...
You ate my pasta stupid child...
"Where's my Vanilla faced woman?"...
Harmonica...
At 21, I can legally do everything I've been doing since the age of 15...
Stuck in Houstatlantavegas...
No worries...YES WORRIES...
Mother can you see me?...
Munchie and PandaBee...
Part time lover and a full time friend...
The storn is coming...

It's a universal language

I wish I wasn't too old to go to tennis camp at Arthur Ashe. I loved being the best at the beginner's level.


Once you love, you are incapable of feeling anything lesser. People of who speak of love promiscously have never fallen into it. So let me be real here...

I am about the now and the potential, doing what you please because there are no obligations...being a bird really calls for freedom to fly and still be close...
I'm about going in my best friend's fridge and eating her ice cream because we're that comfortable with eachother...
I'm about getting to be best friends at some point with my whomever my boyfriend may be because I refuse to settle for less.

I learn as I go...patience is important. Conversely, good judgement is also quite dire.

A lot of awful things happen to wonderful people...however, misfortunes make the world revolve. Without sadness, we'd never know what it feels like to heal, scars would never mark us and life stays stagnant. Progression would be non-existent. There is no learning without mistakes and regret. The person behind these blue eyes sees things from a wider spectrum, my peripheral vision is expanded...

I never want to be the girl that gets flowers daily, i'm not the one youre going to see in only dresses and heels over Filet Minot & caviar. I'm the person you could call when youre crying hysterically because I'll never fail to create a smile or give you solicited advice, I'll share everything since there's a reason why there's more than one person on this planet. You could watch King of Queens with me, eat a whole pizza pie, see transformers, get drunk, fly to Germany on a whim, shop for socks, run on the treadmill, play chess and dive into the ball pit thingy in McDonald's at the age of 30. I'm your friend before anything.

Just so the this world filled with 6 billion people doesn't forget... The universal language is love.
Love doesn't fill a void, it complements another existence. It's provides support in absolutely anything. In every sense of the word...it's sharing everything and still keeping who you are. It creates space for itself and is there when its needed and even when it's not.

WORLD...don't forget that when everything is going wrong...I assure you there's some love out there to put a smile on your face.

cofusion in who?

I’ve always said that I know who I am, that I’m comfortable in my own skin – but do you ever find yourself in a setting that you’re not accustomed to yet somehow identify yourself with it? For example, there’s a type of girl that lives my neighborhood, not at all a bad type, but definitely one I can categorize. Even though I don’t resemble them, I feel like I’m a little bit of what they are just because I live there. Though, I don’t have any of their mannerisms or speech annunciations. It’s hard to explain…in some way, I’m a Ridgewood girl born and raised.

Whenever I listen to something other than rock, I feel both exhilarated and afraid that my rock side will find out I’m cheating on it.

Whenever I swear my sweater Ugg resembling boots, I feel like I belong in Long Island.

Whenever I find myself in a bar, I feel like I should’ve gone to NYU.

All these conflicting interests confuse me yet I embrace it because otherwise I’d be a damned boring girl.

Paradise

What a beautiful world, so fragile and fertile
Pain filled the void when boy met girl
He’s a puppet to nature, one year later
Now so deeply and sickly in love it makes him hate her
The average romanticized American relationship
Sinks, capsized when either side becomes a slave to it
Conditioned, dependent, afraid to be alone
He needs that feeling that he can’t create all on his own
He despises the fact she has a life outside of him
It drives him crazy to think she’s not insanely consumed with him
Give her the guilt-trip and maybe she’ll quit living,
To stay behind his prison walls and lose all individualism
Well this is happiness, masochistic torture
Played by the decadent, craved of affection
The needle digs deep to push contentment through his bloodstream
And drown out hollow, the pothole of a junkie
If he could only hear her sing, he
wouldn’t want to break her wings
But emptiness has such a warm, subtle sting
She makes up for what he lacks, trapped,
He can’t imagine life without someone like that
We’ve rediscovered the long-lost art of dying
Only to lonely resent angels for flying
Twisted, living off of each other’s sickness like parasites
This is paradise
We’ve rediscovered the long-lost art of dying
Only to lonely resent angels for flying
Addicted, afraid to take control of my own life
This is paradise
What a beautiful world, emotionally destroyed
Her became plural when girl met boy
Between several breakups and plenty relapses
Routine bred-comfort led to serious attachment
Now every once in a while she forgets to breathe
Terrified of losing him, paradise is misery
Too much faith in the life-saving knight in shining armour
Now her knight’s noticing the scars she can’t hide any longer
But they were her story way before he was
It was gross hope to think he could heal such deep cuts
At first it felt so right but after one too many fights,
He turned out that hallway light and all
the wonder turned to spite
So they sleep in the same bed with guns to each others’ heads
Dead the romance, boiling the blood that painted roses red
Suffering from post-honeymoon disease, bleached through
His whole existence, she’ll die if he decides to leave
Addicted to the way she feels when they spend time together
Detouring the now in a childish attempt to find forever
Despite the fact they hold each other heart to heart
You can’t be that close to somebody without being so far apart
Silence, the most obscure sound I’ve ever heard
Those lonely, giant spaces in between your every word
And maybe, I’m totally crazy for holding on but
Just cus I’m insane, don’t mean that I’m wrong
Now that you’re gone I can’t sleep at night
I barely even function right, my memory’s on overdrive
Too hungry and too cold to cry
Miss the companionship I once took for granted
The way you helped me manage, the partnership that vanished
But I don’t expect you to stay chained by the ankle,
There’s so much world to see so, fly free my angel
I’m dying without you, but it’s teaching me to live
Heaven ain’t something someone else can give
It’s all inside of me

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder

if some day or night, a demon were to sneak after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you,
"this is life as you now live it and have lived it and you will have to once more and more innumerable times more, and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain, and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything immeasurably small or great in your life must return to you, all in the same succession and sequence and even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and i myself. the eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a dust grain of dust."

I begin to hate you for your face not just the things you do

I begin to hate you for your face, not just the things you do

I saw a couple waiting for the train the other day. Actually, I wouldn’t even call them a couple; they were more like a severely primitive form of a raw relationship between a man and woman. I can sense the desire to control and be controlled simultaneously. I can also sense the ridiculously strong fire that burns them both…almost to the point of feeling pleasure after extreme pain…simply by being in one another’s presence. That is something that I don’t have a name for because it’s not love, infatuation or attraction. Perhaps barbaric would be fitting. It’s something so rare that it’s like seeing a creature of an extinct species walk past your front door drinking a coke from BK.

The city is like a multitude of steps that ascend and descend in no particular order. They are like the world at large…everything at random without patterns or continuity. Our purpose is to make sense out of it all.
I can never look at Classic Architecture the same way. Because of the text I’m reading, I’ll never be able to think that everything that has columns, colonnades, a nave or bay, flying buttresses and some sort of lion or ghoul isn’t a carbon copy of a previous structure that uses the excuse of “integrity” and faith to the founding fathers of architecture.

All I can do is laugh now because no one and I mean NO ONE has ever proven me wrong in terms of expectations. Some have come close but eventually fuck up. And yes I understand people fuck up because of course we’re all human and don’t reproduce asexually so I forgive…and forgive…and effing forgive. But what happens after my forgiveness supplies have been exhausted and there’s nothing left but NOTHING? Apparently, it just continues which is why I just can’t be serious about it anymore. I just can’t care because it’s taking too much of me away.
love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don’t know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who’ve never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you’ve felt what it means to love as you and I know it–the total passion for the total height–you’re incapable of anything less.’

Can one love another love much? Reverence after love possibly?

“It is necessary only to hate, to hate blindly, to hate patiently, to hate without anger, only to hate and let nothing intervene, and not let oneself forget…..”
Every step I take shatters a tiny part of the Earth below me. I wonder if possibly one day, it’ll just break apart and I’d fall into the abyss.

You will never know but I want to be the catalyst behind your downfall. I want to be the reason why you don’t walk down the isle because it’ll be right. I want to be the reason you can’t type the letter J without instantly thinking of me. I want to be the face that envelopes every. I want to drown you in guilt, make you the subject of “pin the tail on the fool”, make you trip every 38th step…I want you fall on your knees and feel lower than the ground you’re kneeling on. I want the word shame to form in your cereal. I want you to forget that anything besides your own tears exists. After everything…I want you to live and be reminded by the scars on your poor soul.

Every single one of us is racist. Anyone who denies it is in complete denial.
I think Polaroids are beautiful. I want to cover my room in them. Every inch of it. Even the little corner in the back of my closer that’s hard to get to because of all the shoes I don’t wear anymore.

Semiconscious delirium

mental deterioration

hypnotic environment

LALALA.
I’ll knife you. Barbaric primitive

What it is to know me

I’ve always had a hint – actually a gargantuan part of me has been insecure, shy…just generally reclusive. But you know what, I just noticed that I’m not that anymore, I always hated people who play beer pong and party with a biology textbook in hand, people who stay up all night and go out on weekdays, people who listen to more than one genre of music, people who actively pursue their career past classes and textbooks.

Hell, I am those things! Yeah, I like indie and obscure rap. Yeah, I go to loud rock concerts and bob my head to some fantastic R&B. Yeah I drink, party and hold a 3.5 GPA. I’m tired of hearing bullshit, if I want omething to happen, unless I’m missing limbs, I’m doing it. I have a damn personality; a multi-faceted one at that. I live with my mistakes; I reminisce about my good memories and never forget my fuckups. I dance in my room to shit you wouldn’t expect me to. I take baths. My bike is my car – 2-wheelers PREVAIL. I’m not perfect and I love it. Yeah, I’ve got small boobs but I’ve got a bangin’ ass to make up for it. Yeah, I know my face isn’t perfect – I wear makeup, DEAL WITH IT.

Got an addiction? I’ll feed it that shit you’ll like it. I own this city. I get through the knitty gritty. I often can’t tell when someone’s flirting with me, that means I probably don’t like you. I’m unstoppable. Everything I’m doing is Brand New. I’m the goofiest, most random person you’ll ever meet. Stop fucking calling me CUTE. I think Pollock is bullshit – Degas, Cezanne and Goya REIGN. Never take me to a club. Never underestimate me. I play pool. I smoke hookah. I swim. I love the beach more than food. I love art history. Regardless of how much I get hurt, I’ll never run out of love.


s

the perils of smoking, bank accounts, winter and the MTA.

So I've got some major venting to do.

#1) Smokers: As i was leaving the gym today, I see a man and a woman who I assume are dating idling outside the entrance. When I look closely, I realize that they're BOTH smoking WHILE wearing gym clothes, indicating that they're about to EXERCISE after SMOKING. (Mind you, they're clearly overweight...) I know this is something people do sometimes but I never cease to think these people are utter morons. Yes, I know, quitting is a treacherous path before it gets any smoother but COME ON PEOPLE.

A couple of people (smokers) have told me that they're cardio exercise limit is 15 minutes. This tid bit of information that several people have told me WORD FOR WORD..."Nah, I can't run or bike all that long. I'm a smoker." Oh, it hurts my soul whenever I hear this. What I'm REALLY hearing everytime these words cross my path is, "I lack the ability to pump a sufficient amount of oxygen to my heart because I constantly inhale toxic materials therefore my exercise limit is minimized."
I'm both disgusted, saddened, and just slightly lose hope in man kind...i mean smokers. :D

So the point is, for God's sake, say no to cancer and get yourself on the right track.

#2) I'll make this one short. I've come to the final conclusion that the entire MTA system is fucked beyond repair. Unless someone pulls half the world's population worth of money out of their ass, we're screwed. I can't help believe what public transportation is by definition...a cheaper way of traveling as well as a small step in preventing the giant Global Warming issue that everyone seems to blabber about with their cousins, neighbors and dogs. So how is that the tables have turned and now driving is cheaper than the MTA? I'm sorry but when I saw once 1.90 per gallon of gas, my jaw dropped....and I never even had a car nor do I have a license. The last time I recall gas was so cheap, I think I was, like, 11? My mom used to pay 20 bucks to fill up her ancient Nissan Hatchback and off we went with a full tank! Fuck you recession. FUCK YOU. .|..
\ /


#3) I think Winter has become so unbearable for me that I'm sure I won't be able to function one more of these 28 degree mornings. I would KILL to be care on the beach this second...alone...enjoying the vastness of the ocean...soaking in way to much Vitamin D. Sadly enough, I don't think I want to live any where but NYC.

#4) So being the moron that I am, I mistakenly put down the account for my checking instead of savings on my tax returns. THOUGH, i did check the savings box so I'm not sure why they disregarded the difference in accounts. Regardless, After months of wondering where my much anticipated check was, I finally came to the realization that it went to my checking...so essentially I spent it WITHOUT knowing I did. NO wonder my debit card never declined! i just thought i was spending small amounts of money! Fuck, I should have looked into my statements more carefully and realized there was 1000 dollars deposited. HOW COULD I MISS THIS? I admit, i fucked up, i lost money, my dad lost money because I filed independently....argh. I WILL BE MUCH MORE CAREFUL WITH MY MONIES. life goes on.

more to come soon.

Sounds of my day...

^ credit Cait M.B. great friend. great photographer.
Today, Cloudy with a change of showers in the evening...
This is a Brooklyn bounds M Train, the next stop is...Chambers Street...
Stand clear of the closing doors please...
I love you...
Rhythm is the flow of music through time...
Revolving door, over the top, keep your wrists straight, now jump rope!...
do you think it'll last?...
You're not who I thought you were...
Give me back my plushy earphone...
What was he thinking...
Are those your real eyes?...
Just jealous cause we're young and in love...
Somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you go too cool...
Can we erase single memories?...
Stand clear of the closing doors please...
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...
When you see me cross the street because I'll surely knock you out...
I am invincible...
Fighting battles with food...
Wanna get lunch?...I'm in the boooofeee....
A man in a hotel tangles to his teeth by the telephone...
I want to play with the notches in your spine...
I'm carving your silhouette in the air...
Ids ids ids...
If my thoughts exist then I, too, must exist...
Next Stop...stony brook...
Ray Ban? Ray Bari?...
Fight off your demons fight off your demons fight off your demons...
excuse me miss can you spare some change?...
sigh...
Gabriela Paula Lazar...
I saw our sad Messiah...
Arrhythmia, pacing, heart, tingling, diffused pain, hypertension...
propanolol?...
Who needs friends? I need friends. Where do i find them? Hell if I know...
Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply, cause I can dish it out...I can't take it...
This story's old and it goes on and old until we disappear...
This is Flatbush avenue...
bush apologized but no one gives a shit...
Lightning crashes...
I faltered but I forgave...
Tall no foam skinny hazelnut latte...
$11 dollar bills you know you got ten...
You know, the movie about drugs..."Rugs?!"...Drugs!..."drunks?!...DRUGS!!!...OHH.
Let's see who's a good Jewish child today...
TIC TAC?...
Do you wanna go feed a kangaroo in Australia?...
Koala bears are cuter that pandas. I beg to differ...
Know any psychological tearjerkers?...
KAFKA?...
The library hates me...
CUTE...
Everyone must get stoned...
Get a live journal...
I need dishwasher liquid...laundry detergent?...NO dishwasher liquid!...
It's Islam awareness month. really?...I wasn't aware...
Transfer is available to the N,R,M,Q,2,3,4,5,J, Z and the LIRR.
There's something enticing about Kid Rock, but I want my kids away from him...
He is the lamb, she is the slaughterer...
Remember that time we discussed vampires and how people secretly want to be them...
Die young an save yourself...
You wanna share a banana?...
Who married Scarlet?...
what color is in your hair?...
Did you pour red in your hair before you got here?...
Any swing dancers here?...
i hate you for your face not just the things you do...
Don't forget your microwave. They're muffins stupid...
Yes, I made the cinnamon toast from scratch...
I'm one of those lip syncers on the train...

There is no adjective

BLOG DELETED DUE TO LACK OF ACCURACY

yes

i am done with this.

Now i wait till I have the courage to tell you....

Meat or Manhunt

I randomly remembered this time when I was kid sitting outside my stoop and i was arguing with a childhood friend of mine over something trivial:

"you're mean!" me
"yeah...well you're a chicken!"
"Well if i'm a chicken...then...um...you're beef!!!!."
"um."

She looked at me dumbfounded, wondering if she won the argument, lost...or simply lost the subject we were talking about. Meat, or manhunt.

Joan

changes

I am going to make some drastic changes.
I have to admit that I the biggest thief to my self that I know.
No more late night hang outs with shady characters. No more of a lot of things I know are wrong.
I genuinely resent my self at the moment and I've got legitimate reasons to also.

i can't stand loud drunks.

biggest thief

theft:

"In this moment she felt she had been robbed of an enormous number of valuable things, whether material or intangible: things lost or broken by her own fault, things she had forgotten and left in houses when she moved: books borrowed and not returned, journey's she had planned and not made, words she had waited to hear spoken to her and had not heard, and the words she had meant to answer with her bitter alternatives and intolerable substitutes worse than anything, and yet inescapable: the long patient suffering of dying friendships and the dark inexplicable death of love -- all that she had had, and all that she had missed, were lost together, and were twice lost in the landslide of remembered losses."

"She was right to not be afraid of any thief but herself, who will end up leaving her nothing."

We are our biggest thieves.


hidden luminosity in van gogh

closure

I've been feeling the extremes of various emotions. Once when walking on the boulevard towards a coffee shop...the wind blew so incredibly hard that I was able to lean against it. I felt the power of nature coming into a literal collision with my body.

I'm convinced something dies when we grow older...though there has to be something new to take the place of what has died; otherwise there would be void and how could any one live like that?

During the seldom times when I break down, everything comes down simultaneously. As in, not only is the cause of my breakdown hurting me, it's also the things from the past that remind me of sadness. ....i think I just feel things more than others. Or perhaps I'm a confused 20 year old who looks too deep into things. I personally think it's more of the former than the latter. Bah....it doesn't matter really.

songs of the day:
cleanser - bn
burns gold - bn
the scientist - CP <3>

Joan

sadly enough

DELETED and re evaluated.
Below. Standing man. Took years to complete because he was obsessed with the creases in the jacket. Brilliant. de kooning.
.

create the fate of other beings

My greatest fear is not letting myself in.
Recognizing water lilies and hallow apples is how I begin the day.
i won't see love till summer; my only consolation is your embrace.
Jesus Christ, the only thing that will wash out my memories of you are heavy nails and strong knees.
Endurance is the game I play.
Can't you see they sleep in the same bed with guns to each others heads.
One day he'll murder her as Hamlet's father took his last breath.
Coke can't save the requiem for a dream.
I would love to one day play with crack in the sky at a quarter past four in the morning.
SoCo Amaretto Lime is my favorite drink.
The horrifying vastness of the ocean churns with ominous messages that only Thomas can recognize.
The wrong words will cause the vessel to crash in Donnie's bedroom.
Donnie shot Frank the bunny in the eye and then later let the vessel murder him to save Gretchen.
It's what he wanted and what the portal allowed him.
Time travel is possible.
Who is the one that haunts my dreams of mountains sunk below the sea?
He's never gonna get it right.
What is most fleeting emotion?
The aeroplane flying over the sea crashes into a cloud.
I think being afraid makes me more human.
I'd rather be blue than have no pulse.
I'll never crave the touch of cold.
I'll sow the seeds and grow tomatoes for my neighbor but it don't mean a thing if he ain't got that sugar.
Why can't Hamlet be a woman instead?
Does it really last?
Can a psychiatrist and patient switch roles and blur the lines between disturbed and stable?
What would we do if it rained frogs?
Are there really nines who preside over fives and sixes?
Is there a place where only people who committed suicide go?
Is it a matter of saving or sin?
Couples who last a life time fall in love with each other an average of six times over the course of their relationship.
Does all of our art create the fate of other beings?
Does a stroke cause a stride?
Mind has been blown

LALALA
I'LL KNIFE YOU.

^words, lyrics, thoughts, questions, combinations... nonsense.


I had an unexpected occurrence today.

I would love to be similar to the girl in "You Never Know" by Immortal Technique. The girl who buys books on a weekly basis for Technique...who'd smoke intelligently and thrive aloofly.

So I looked up the song meanings for Upward Over the Mountain by iron and wine...though I love the Jesse Lacey cover tons more...and I've learned that it's generally about the relationship between a mother and her son, about how he's outgrowing her nest, about how they've shared oddly emotional moments together and those in themselves proves their solid bond. The image of birds flying a mountain...gently with a breeze...sort of agreeing with nature and letting her lead them. I want that....i want than tattooed to my body. I want that image forever branded to me.

most emotions are fleeting.