I used to live beneath an over-sized question mark made of tiny question marks,
it looked like a colorful mosaic that seemed appealing and safe but really it was more of a dense cloud, obstructing my vision every time I grasped a tiny glimpse of pure goodness or joy.
I'm not saying I've reached some existential castle in the sky, allowing me to escape this heavy
conglomerate of question marks upon question marks....
it's more of...like I've been handed a leaf blower that has granted me the ability to blow the cloudiness away as I take my strides through life. That's how life is really. You've got no idea if shit will be fantastic or if something unexpectedly disastrous will happen.
It is what it is, different every day.
What I mean by the leaf blower thing is that life will remain as it is, strange, unsure, confusing and
way too short.
But how I RESPOND to all of these *AWESOME* characteristics of being a living, breathing, self aware human being can change, it kind of has already.
The leaf blower is my tool,
My consciousness is my comb to untangle all the non-nonsensical shit that seems to occur on the regular,
Growing knowledge are the puzzle pieces to finding logic and understanding in the bat shit crazy chaos,
My dreams and subconscious are the hidden gems to which I am beginning to pay attention to,
and
Love is the glue with which I am able to connect all the aforementioned tools I've been handed.
Without love, without the pure-ness of being completely devoted to another human being for no other reason besides some kind of inexplicably cosmic sensation to which there is no adequate description to justify its tremendous importance...
there would be no ability to escape the great question mark cloud of life.
But there is, the ability is there, and I have it.... and every time life begins to waver without warning, love lets me know I can face it.
I am TELLING YOU, love is the secret. I do not mean the irritatingly superficial, glossy and sickening kind of "love," -- better termed "lust...,"
I mean the devotion that is as real as you and I, as real the keyboard I am creating this essay with...the kind of devotion that is steadfast and heavy in a good way.
The kind that graciously permits you to be un-apologetically yourself,
The kind that doesn't berate, doesn't judge, doesn't rush,
The kind that opens the doors from the tiny house you've been living in,
The kind that makes you feel more sure than you ever thought possible,
The kind the remains with you everywhere you go,
The kind that forgives without reprehension,
The kind that dissolves your worries and soon manifests into an unseen but ever present
completeness that is unlike any other sensation.
This is what I've honestly written off as impossible until it fell into my lap without my acknowledging it until much later, I was lucky enough to have finally gained the clarity to welcoming this love just in time. I'm lucky patience was with me, and him.
I began with discussing the question marks that loomed every facet of my being,
and I will end with further reiterating how love is the glue that allows you to use all of these bolded keys towards removing the cloud that seemingly surrounds your life and my former life. It does not simply happen, you've gotta hone these skills as you would improve a technical skill of the arts.
You cannot ever sit with it, with any of it. Every day is a labor of love in the best way possible.
It is a joy in every meaning of the word.
You have the choice to observe it or not, you have the choice to seek what seems to lack existence,
you have all the choices, you just have to permit the vulnerability that will indefinitely occur following the choices you have yet to make. You have the choice to respond differently, and love with your whole being. It all connects, and it makes sense.
Every single day will be different, and I can't deny some of those days I will undoubtedly feel like I've been defeated and like I've fallen prey to the question mark cloud...but just as a genuine craft is never truly forgotten, neither is the skill of weathering through the storms of life. Once you are given love, you can never not understand and distinguish it, and it you. Love is strength, love binds the individuals of the world as one, love lives in our eyes and finger tips and consciousness and souls. Love forgives, and love holds you every single day of your life. Find it. It's worth it.
Ted Mosby did it.
So can you.
