Thoughts ~ updates

This empty page is a little scary.

I have moments when I feel strongly about writing and feeling convinced it's a necessity for the remembrance of my life. I also find the ability to write to gradually and consistently diminish towards the end of the day, which is when I always tell myself to open up this page and get some goddamn words down. There have been hundreds... H U N D R E D S... of times I firmly demanded myself to finally write but of course I didn't and of course the cycle repeats itself mercilessly. The problem is that I let it happen, and as the day comes to an end, so does my will to repeat the events of it through written letters. I've felt countless, irreplaceably beautiful and unique moments that I wish I had recorded.

Anyway, I have to stop that. Here, I will go back to the original intention of this entire blog which may or may not be irrelevant to anyone but me, regardless, it has to happen... with or without an end goal. I just have to remember my life again, as I remember so well the times I recorded before the lengthy lapse in writing. Photographs are great, but they don't do the moments justice. This will be the yoga journey, which I have already been on for over a year, as well as photographs, my personal experiences, observations, poetry, and anything and everything in between. Here goes:

Why do I get so rattled when my personality and humor is questioned or pressed? I have such tremendous problems being put outside my comfort zone. It's pretty bad; I can't even develop a rational response... i just shut down, walk away, cry, lose my ability to develop logical responses... everything just falls apart. When I find myself in that very uncomfortable and unpredictable place, every tool I once had to keep me grounded and normal is completely destroyed and I lose myself.

That one time when Kyle asked me to read lines with him, I didn't think he meant actually READING the script alongside him while I attempt to ACT and express the correct EMOTIONS without any knowledge of what the story is or what the fuck I am supposed to do????? I mean, yeah, I get it... but it isn't for me and I'm not fucking actor. My imagination and ability to express false emotion is literally below zero. I thrive very well in a mechanical, controlled environment and that's just me and I see absolutely no problem with it... until i come in contact with people who are embody the polar opposite of my characteristics. I just, shut down. The problem could be one of three things:

1. I suck at defending myself and somehow I've never honed the ability to use my parasypmathetic nervous system. It's very possible. Is this a disease. What the fuck, seriously.

2. I am secretly jealous of people who have these outgoing and playful characteristics and I defend myself by hating it and running away from it. This is partially likely as I have always been slightly jealous, but I also have little to no desire to be social... so.... pretty confusing deal here.

3. I was born with some kind of hindrance preventing me from participating in things normal people should.

I DUNNO. MAybe all three.






~~
~~






It's the second to last Friday before next semester begins. Lorie and I might go running tonight, in 28 degree weather. I don't know how I feel about it, but i'm going to try it and hope I make it.