Things that matter

Often times, we get caught up in the semantics of things.
I find myself being concerned with figuring out how to
make the most perfect zucchini noodles,
stressed over all the TV shows I intend to watch but
consistently forget to recall when searching for them,
worried if I'm too annoying or i'm overly distant or
clingy or complacent or anything whatsoever.
It's weird and everything is weird.
Why does any of this matter? Because it's how I distract
myself from answering the bigger questions,
like what the fuck am I
D O I N G with my life?

A yoga teacher read this rather conspicuous poem at the end
of class, and I walked away with it floating around in my
head, trying to remind myself to look it up... which luckily,
I remembered to do.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 
― Marianne Williamson

Aside from the mention of God, what struck me is the part about
our deepest fear being that we are powerful beyond measure,
that we are more terrified of light and awareness than darkness.
How backwards is that? Where did this become my way of coping
with things... finding it easier to be blinded and complacent
instead of fully alive and reveling in the tremendously
spectacular nature of life? I'm sure tons of yogis heard and listened
to the poem as I did, which makes it all the more powerful and important.
I love how I often times walk into to yoga with a certain feeling,
and I walk out lighter, freed of the weights I dragged in with me.
It is a blessing.

I love my Father, whether he believes it or not.
I love his face,
I love his insanely wild eyebrows and disheveled hair,
how he is clueless to usually having a mysterious black stain on
his forehead,
how he has JUST done laundry but favors his white paint
stained pants,
his smile,
his laugh,
his hands, ones of a noticeable artist,
how sometimes he hears me blab about a new food I cooked
or intend to cook and he makes it himself and surprises me with it,
how he's the kindest man I will never know,
how writing about him makes me cry every time.
I love him just for being,
and I love him for trying to be the best he could to me,
with all he knows.

I was going to write about how I wish we could've had a different
relationship, I wish he could've been raised on different beliefs,
perhaps less judgmental and rigid ones,
how perhaps that could've helped my life positively,
how I wish my mother could've been normal,
how I wish my dad could've had more of an open mind,
more playful,
how I wish I could've had a larger family.
But I can't bear to hope for a past for me or family which could
never be replaced, for everything has already happened and I have
nothing but my future to control.
But if that is true, then that contradicts the notion that we are the
result of our past...
or maybe,
that isn't true.
Maybe,
BECAUSE I am the result of my personal past, my father the
result of his past,
and my mother's the result of hers...
MAYBE,
I could be the one to possess a little of each their pasts,
while creating a whole different one for myself.
The only problem I have is meeting judgement and adversity without ambivalence,
which I am admittedly awful at dealing with. It usually ends up tearing me
down quicker than I could finish building.
This, will change.
First, I need to find a path though. Is that the toughest part?
Or is taking the step on that path the most difficult?
I don't know.

Will be back with more thoughts.

I will leave you with this little song that I kinda love.

love,
me.