There is no use in being vague, I am no longer the secretive teenager I once was 12 years ago.
I had dinner with my father at Peter Luger today. We used a 100 dollar gift certificate I purchased him for his 71st Birthday last year, 2015. I am worried about him, as any person does. It's frightening, as it would be for anyone who has a soul and aging parents. I fear he hates me. I fear losing time with him. I don't understand what is going on with us at all. He makes me question everything in a negative, he clearly lives in the past because that is all he has. His life is uneventful. I wish I could spend more time with him but whenever I do, especially at length, fights are imminent because of the discussion of race and his values which I do not always agree with. I do not berate him, I simply disagree, yet he berates me and basically brings God into the mix. The discussion of politics is always avoided by me yet is still constantly discussed at length because he never neglects to bring it up. The discussion of "I will not be a part of your life if you marry and non-white" comes up on occasion, even though I have never once brought this topic up myself. This discussion is sad because I have already done what will cause him to leave my life. The secret is what hurts the most, and how much it will hurt him, and how much it will hurt me that it will hurt him. None of this makes any sense. I cannot ever see the problem with one's skin color. It is the environment in which one grows and chooses to stay a part of that is the problem. I cannot discuss this topic here as I am sure to offend someone, but regardless, it is my decision who to be with, and it is saddens me to no end that my father will not accept an educated, intelligent, successful, calm, warm, supportive, lovely man who happens not to be white. I can, and will never understand this (I do understand it, it's just fucking stupid, grow up, Dad).
ON another note, It's been quite a long time since I stopped smoking weed. I still constantly miss it and find some days incredibly hard to remain calm or sleep without it. It brought me peace and clarity I find hard to attain. Strangely, only after the most difficult workouts do I find that kind of clarity, or after I've just awoken. I love the moments void of tension.
I forgot what it's like to have friends. Specifically, girlfriends. Old friends and I have grown apart, and I am left with just Eric. I love him but spending too much time with him is unhealthy because I have a dominant personality and I completely dominate him in almost every way and he knows and is okay with this, which further proves my argument. It kind of turns me off, but whatever, he's still the best ever. This is why I need a friend or two, someone with a bit more of a dominant personality than me, but not too much, because then I'll throat punch her and run away forever. Watching too many shows likes Parks and Rec make me miss having friends. I wish an Ann Perkins, but not a Leslie, Knope, she's too fucking crazy. And eats way too waffles. How is she not obese? I do not understand. Nobody can eat that much whipped cream and weight 125 pounds. NOBODY. Anyway.
I'm hard to be friends with, though. I don't like drinking, bars, staying up late, being in the cold, groups, parties, dancing, expensive things, shopping, chit chat, talking about other people or celebrities, and generally all degrees of nonsense. I have grown to know what I like and don't like so I will never change or like the aforementioned things.
Are there people out there for me? sure. Where?
Who the fuck knows. I don't frequent enough places to find out.
Plus spending money is not in my immediate future so that's a lost cause.
Ok I think I'm done for now.
I don't spell check because I don't feel like it. Deal with it.
Love u, bye.
ON another note, It's been quite a long time since I stopped smoking weed. I still constantly miss it and find some days incredibly hard to remain calm or sleep without it. It brought me peace and clarity I find hard to attain. Strangely, only after the most difficult workouts do I find that kind of clarity, or after I've just awoken. I love the moments void of tension.
I forgot what it's like to have friends. Specifically, girlfriends. Old friends and I have grown apart, and I am left with just Eric. I love him but spending too much time with him is unhealthy because I have a dominant personality and I completely dominate him in almost every way and he knows and is okay with this, which further proves my argument. It kind of turns me off, but whatever, he's still the best ever. This is why I need a friend or two, someone with a bit more of a dominant personality than me, but not too much, because then I'll throat punch her and run away forever. Watching too many shows likes Parks and Rec make me miss having friends. I wish an Ann Perkins, but not a Leslie, Knope, she's too fucking crazy. And eats way too waffles. How is she not obese? I do not understand. Nobody can eat that much whipped cream and weight 125 pounds. NOBODY. Anyway.
I'm hard to be friends with, though. I don't like drinking, bars, staying up late, being in the cold, groups, parties, dancing, expensive things, shopping, chit chat, talking about other people or celebrities, and generally all degrees of nonsense. I have grown to know what I like and don't like so I will never change or like the aforementioned things.
Are there people out there for me? sure. Where?
Who the fuck knows. I don't frequent enough places to find out.
Plus spending money is not in my immediate future so that's a lost cause.
Ok I think I'm done for now.
I don't spell check because I don't feel like it. Deal with it.
Love u, bye.
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