devoted

I love you.

Devoted to you.

--

I tend to forget large chunks of my life. Even things that have happened yesterday. I feel as if I am barely grasping this life and what's unfortunate is that I'm only mildly bothered by this habit. I'm teaching myself to change this, however difficult and quite possibility lengthy this battle with myself may be. I feel the need to fucking live goddammit, ESPECIALLY not by someone else's standards. I'm not even entirely sure what the word "live" really encompasses but it doesn't matter, nor will I seek answers from others. I create my own answers as I see fit. This may commonly be seen as selfishness in me but I see no other way to prevent my identify from being tainted by other's people ideas and hopes for me. I hope for my MYSELF, and my ideas are for the most part, MY OWN. Let it be selfish of me, let it be unfair. I don't care.

--

I've remembered what it's like to love, be in love, and be devoted. This selfishness in me, though helpful in my journey towards originality, spills over into undesirable aspects of my life that should have not ONE ounce of selfishness presence such the love created for another. I had grown restless, bored of men, almost repulsed by them. Can you blame me? Can you blame women in general? This extreme cat calling and highly objectifying society we live in has severely tainted all our views towards what women SHOULD appear to be and what they ACTUALLY are. It's unfortunate, but what could I do? Refuse to acknowledge I'm a hot blooded woman with a normal sexual and romantic desire to be with a  masculine man?  I cannot deny this intrinsic instinct, even with the mile high wall I've built between myself and potential love.

But it's gone now. The wall is gone and it's just you and me. It's not just the euphoria speaking here.
I love you. I'm in love with you.
Thank goodness (God?) (someone up there?) (idk)

Dell: "I never thought love was real. Now I think life isn't real without it."
From the movie Comet.