Some type of way.

I feel a certain way while sitting at this desk. Man, do I churn away at these thoughts.. Most of the time, it seems impossible to shut down my mind. I've been working all day, photographing, listing, promoting...but the need to write infiltrated everything I did so eventually, after 9 hours of contemplation, I had to sit down and just write whatever it is that I'm thinking.

Weird, contemplative, confused, conflicted, desperate; combination of those emotions has possessed me for a while. I've assembled a plan for which I'm hoping to get what I've been non-stop thinking about. Sometimes, it's like suppressing an overflowing dam to keep all of this in, and I admit, I half way fall apart of the days when it's close to unbearable...those are the days when I use the secondary negative emotions i'm feelings to envelope the ones I can't reveal yet.
5 years.
Ambiguity is my forte, so I suppose, not a soul could even begin to guess what I'm saying here.
 It just sucks, a lot.

Often times, karma seems to be real. Or perhaps I create it for myself. Maybe it was created for us to blame an external factor in our misfortunes...which in fact, really isn't external at all. We're supposed to blame our selves for the things that have happened to us, post the initial event which has posed as the catalyst to the secondary event. Well, I do blame myself, because I am truly to blame. People always preach of living for the future, and letting go of the past when it clearly cannot be retrieved or relived. Well, i refuse to accept that. What if it can? I think it can, and that's what i'm going to do because I can't accept life without the goodness which I'm aware is present, but not near enough to me.