Life Lately

My relationship with social networking is becoming strange. I'm in too many places at once, I am not present, pieces of me are scattered carelessly throughout a plane of nothingness. I go to youtube to play a song, 37 seconds in, I'm tired of it. I go to Spotify and attempt listening to some stations even though I'm well aware I heavily dislike Spotify radio. I get frustrated 4 minutes later. Next, I go to facebook and scroll impatiently down and get mildly annoyed at all the negativity people are exuding, regardless of the fact that I know everyone is posting only their best moments and leaving out all the dull ones. I go on twitter and scroll down vigorously, searching for funny statements to pass on as my own to a group of strangers scattered through the world. 

What am I even doing? I'm looking around my bedroom where I'm sprawled semi-comfortably on my bed and what I see are four DIFFERENT screens with DIFFERENT shows/applications/texts/musical devices going on simultaneously. I don't even know where to look first. I feel constantly torn between the seeming obligation to keep up relations with people and/or strangers who are interested in the updates regarding my daily activities and the strong desire to LIVE MY LIFE without needing to track every single moment, nonetheless, showcase it in front of virtual strangers. What a life I'm living. I need to change my patterns into solid ones. I feel like all my efforts to remember my life are thrown into this virtual abyss that essentially is one gigantic trash can where attempting to retrieve my life would be more of a hassle than purely tracking it daily. 

I need it to be solid. I need to be real. I need it to matter in ways that are tangible, that are touchable, that are available for me touch and feel and recall whenever I please. 

Perhaps I need a plan, something I can refer upon when I begin to feel lost in the of many screens. 

I go back and forth in between the desire to be surrounded by people who understand my humor, can keep me company in the moments of feeling lost as well as the times I'm thriving and the opposing wanting to progress on my own, without the influence of another. Although, I know that I'm viscerally and innately a person of purposeful loneliness. When I sense something getting too close, perhaps altering my perception of life, my instinct to throw it aside as I like to think I am not in need of anything or anyone but I know I'm wrong. I'm a loner at heart with an extra layer of wanting people around... but the RIGHT people. I've found literally a HAND FULL of people I can be around for extended periods... and they've come and gone in the saddest of ways; either due to my own stupidity and misjudgment in regard to the value of those people OR their own decisions of walking out of my life. It has been as such, and what's done is done. I need to be hyper aware of these kinds of people and do all that is my power to keep them. Every human matters, but we are selfish creatures, aren't we? We want things that define us, that complement us, that add to our lives in positive ways. A literal planet added to our solar system. That is what these people are, and what they have been and will be. 

I need a planet. 

Fleetwood Mac - I Don't Want To Know

Do you.

Do I matter in your life?
Do you dream of endless days spent along side my company?
Do you have exquisite realizations of yearning for my touch?
Do you find yourself wishing to be surrounded by my presence?
Do you matter to you?
Do you hope for more hope?
Do you know who you are?
Do you lose yourself in life's daily menial tasks, then find yourself in the comfort of love?
Do you believe in love?
Do you not fear life's end, but rather never beginning it?
Do you wish for better days?
Do you have blind faith?
Do I matter in your life?

Come with me, my love, to the sea of love.

Body.

I sing the body electric. The armies of those I love and girth me, and I ingirth them. They will not let me off till I go with them. Respond to them. and discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the soul. Womanhood, and all that is a woman, and the man that comes from woman.

Lana Del Rey - Tropico (Short Film) (Explicit)