First Aid Kit - Love Interruption

You've got the music in you

Northern Wind

you are all four seasons

Quiet Radiance

It's two month into 2014. Holy shit it's 2014. That immediately makes me wince. 2013 was a boat load of unexpected things all at once and in no organized or particular order. Such is life, am I right?

Last year I could say that I was both at my absolute best and absolute worst, repeatedly, cycled, over and over and over again. Every near year is scary.

Every new day is scary, moments inexperienced are scary. But I love it, I love it all so much. Sometimes I'm afraid I haven't done enough, or maybe I've done too much. Afraid I haven't loved enough, or loved too much. Afraid I haven't given enough, or given too much. Honestly though, there is never a perfect balance of the aforementioned things. I've grown to believe that accepting the decisions I've made in my past, in whatever I've exposed about myself or kept inside, is a true part of thriving as a human. Whatever true sadness, heartbreak, doubt, fear, pain, confusion or loss I'v experienced in the past year has happened to bring me here, where I stand, writing these words in genuine love of where I've chosen to take steps and where I've chosen to avoid.

You know the feeling of something that is viscerally an integrated part of your soul, your existence, your every breath.. something that is so beautiful that you cannot bear to even speak of it because it affects you so completely and strongly? That is how I feel about a lot of things. I feel inclined to name some of them, mostly so I never let them slip away unknowingly.

~ When you hear a song, a single song that you instantly fall into and abandon all sense of reality when you hear it. I hope everyone has experienced this, because how can there be life without music and beautiful melodies?

~ Waking up happy for no reason. We don't always need a reason to truly thrive.

~ Reading a book that describes my thoughts as I go through the sentences.

~ Finding an activity, something that serves you forever and always. Something that even if you suddenly cannot do this activity any longer, it has changed you positively eternally.

~ Meeting people who understand me, and vice versa. This is something I value in the deepest of ways.

~ Selfless kindness. I've grown to not think the worst in people anymore. There is some good in all of us. If you disagree, I respect it. This is my choice. Personally though, I'm always so appreciative and surprised when people provide me with kindness and generosity without a question. My first inclination used to be that I don't deserve such kindness, but I had to rid myself of that. Kindness is subjective. Kindness is given without question, without wanting anything in return, it is pure and honest.

~ Artistry. One's artistry is something I admire so deeply. And not only that, when one works daily to hone their skill or chosen activity, it astounds me. Consistency is chosen by these people, dedication, love of one's practice.. all of those things are wonderful to possess. Never take your gifts for granted.

~ The morning. The guarantee that the Sun will always rise and grace its shine against anything in its path. I suppose you can say that I'm known to love the early day, it's true and I'm glad that's a thing people associate with me. Sometimes I'm judged upon it, sometimes I'm asked how to adopt my way of life; whatever the case may be, it's what I love. Remember that you cannot love everyone and not everyone can love you, but respect should replace love if there is none present. Be kind to the ones fighting a battle that which cannot be seen by the naked eye.

~ When something beautiful needs no conversation. It just, is.

~ The Beach. Ever since I graduated High School, I gravitated to the beach inexplicably at first almost every day in Summer of 2007. At first I'd go because I knew I'd never run into anyone I knew there. It felt new and fresh.. like pure escapism from any stigma people associated with me. In time, I tried to understand why I felt like I belonged there. I grew to see that I wasn't actually escaping or running from anything, in fact, I was EXACTLY where I needed to be.
Try this~~~
 Imagine yourself at a beach, any beach. Put aside any qualms with the weather, crowds of people there, self consciousness of your body, or fear of the water. Just, be present. Look at the water and how it seems to never end. Look at your feet and the sand beneath them holding you up gently but solidly. If you fell, it would catch you. Listen to the sounds of the water and wind against the waves. It's the sound of the Universe. Look at how the rays of the sun seem to appear as diamonds strewed across the blue sea. Choose to be there, and find peace in yourself through your surroundings.

I found my niches, my style, things to identify with. I stand alone in who I am and so should everyone, but what is life without layers...without something that defines me and is synonymous with my name when you hear it?




One of my favorite combination of words ever ~

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

J

Constantines & Feist - Islands In The Stream

Sometimes you hear music that changes you and resonates with you in ways words can never sufficiently do justice. Just listen. This is a cover of a Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton song. A gorgeous rendition might I add.

north starr shop

Hello my beautiful readers. If you're a vintage lover or have a friend who is interested in vintage, please take a moment to browse my etsy shop. I have hundreds of pieces for sale ranging from the 50's to the 90's in many styles, all styled and photographed on models.

Thank you and love you all
Joan

new revelations

I'm so different now. 

I haven't written a cohesive collection of words about how my life has changed in the last year so drastically. 140 characters per tweet and small notes in my phone aren't particularly comparable to sitting down and thoroughly combing through the reality of it.

I know I saw this all time, perhaps to the point of sounding dimly repetitive and overly zen, but DUDE, yoga was viscerally and perpetually changed the course of my life. Note how I say the course of my life. This change is irreversible and I welcome it as such. It's pretty shocking that learning a new form of exercise that purely was intended for me to "lose weight" (at this point, a very annoying and empty statement), has now innately altered my perception of absolutely everything surrounding my existence. 

It has been a year since I seriously began my practice. It has been a year since I breathed deeper, felt more, loved more, judged less, freed myself, experienced true patience, and woke up feeling happy purely because I am alive. I've realized that "happy" is a tremendously relative term. It is, essentially, what you want it to be, and whatever that may indicate for you, it shall guide you towards that direction.

I know all of this may sounds like a boat load of yoga garbage or repetitive zen crap, but I don't care about what this means for anyone other than myself. This has served me more than anything else in my little life.

I've been taught to live where I am, where I've taken the breath I'm breathing, to thrive in the moment I'm walking through. In every asana (pose), I cannot ponder my extensive to do lists, where I'll be going afterwards, the worry of where life may or may not take me... none of that matters when I'm metaphorically sitting comfortably in the moment I'm in.

A factor that helped most is the suggestion I received to visualize all that I'm describing and feeling. Find a physical manifestation of your thoughts, make them into something palpable to your mind, whatever it may be. For example, at the end of every class, the teacher is always to ring the Tibetan Singing bowl which indicates today's practice has ended. I've found that over time, the sound of the bowl becomes a physical blanket of warm waves washing over everyone in the room. We are all together, feeling what we're feeling. I feel like I'm alone in the room, but never lonely. The bowl gives me a feeling similar to when I first hear an exceptionally beautiful song; it overcomes me in a way that words can never do justice. I am open to this feeling and it's why the blanket of waves created by the bowl has the power to overcome me. It resonates inward and outward in such a way that cleanses me of my dark thoughts and negativity.

That is an example of a visualization from an aspect of yoga. Every facet I've experienced and will experience will be imagined in such ways. It is the only way to truly make it your own in a unique personal way.

This is my choice. This has happened because I had my heart and mind open to this experience. My current perception towards this change in me is purely mine. It cannot be duplicated by another in the same order along the same path. Every choice I've made thus far has led me to this moment, to this very second I'm typing the effect a simple practice can have on the mind. This is my interpretation, and this is the effect I feel it has had on me. I respect deeply people who cannot grasp the meaning of all this because this isn't a common thing. I understand that. And I let it be.

I admit though, it still stings a bit when the importance of this experience is diminished by someone's words. I have learned to understand this behavior, but it is difficult to accept. To reference an example, someone once told me,

“I had such a fucking horrible day.
**goes on to list all the things that went wrong**
everything annoyed me. I hate everything. I hate everyone. Oh. Joan SO SORRY I ruined your zen epiphany. **sarcasm**.”

I see what the problem is with your day, friend, but why must you diminish MY ways of dealing with frustration or things not going as planned and make them comparable to yours? I am like this because I've been led here, and I choose to stay so why does it have to be a topic of dismissal, as if I'm not aware of reality and that it entails? I very well know all the horror that occurs around me, perhaps too aware. I very well know that not every day goes by wonderfully with bright colors and smiles. I. KNOW. THIS. So please, please do not dismiss or compact my ways into a useless bin.

Realistically, I know I have to eventually completely put aside any feeling of dismay towards such comments. I am taking my time to truly exercise my mind towards mastering this complete peace. I am deeply sorry if it is not understood.

Other than this, here a couple of things I've jotted down over the past couple of months.

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No one has taught us how to look within, to find within, and to verify within. In meditation and yoga, you find the affirmation that genuine stillness and serenity can be achieved without effort, without hustling or bustling through it artificially.

We are taught how to move and behave in the outer world, but we are never taught how to be still and examine what is within ourselves. When we learn to do this through meditation and yoga, we attain the highest of all joys that can ever be experienced by a human being. All the other joys in the world are momentary, but the joy of meditation is immense and everlasting.

The true beauty of mediation is finding your ability to feel, to find your inner power, to find your deepest and truest self in order ultimately harvest the best version of everything you've learned about yourself.

One must become aware of where your mind wanders when you are truly alone.

Spiritual growth is a natural ability of humans. Not often is it cultivated, but when awareness is brought to this ability, the "inner work" can begin. One must work the mind as one also works the muscles. The aphorism "use it or lose it" applies to this well.

The ultimate point of mediation is that it spills into all other aspects of your life. Suddenly, a stressful situation can feel infinitely better through taking a moment to think inward and let that clarity spill outwards. Suddenly, your tolerance for negativity is much lower.

Shakti is the core energy tool that catalyzes all other energies surrounding it. Shakti is known to be feminine by nature but can also be adequately utilized by the masculine group. Shakti, in my opinion, was created for the purpose of giving humans the palpable ability to feel and ultimately visualize energy flowing outward and inward in an endless circle of power. This power can harnessed and applied to all other aspects of life.

THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. HARNESS YOUR PEACE AND ENERGY CREATED AND YOGA, AND APPLY IT TO ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR BEING. WHAT YOU WILL FIND MAY SURPRISE YOU.

Life Lately

My relationship with social networking is becoming strange. I'm in too many places at once, I am not present, pieces of me are scattered carelessly throughout a plane of nothingness. I go to youtube to play a song, 37 seconds in, I'm tired of it. I go to Spotify and attempt listening to some stations even though I'm well aware I heavily dislike Spotify radio. I get frustrated 4 minutes later. Next, I go to facebook and scroll impatiently down and get mildly annoyed at all the negativity people are exuding, regardless of the fact that I know everyone is posting only their best moments and leaving out all the dull ones. I go on twitter and scroll down vigorously, searching for funny statements to pass on as my own to a group of strangers scattered through the world. 

What am I even doing? I'm looking around my bedroom where I'm sprawled semi-comfortably on my bed and what I see are four DIFFERENT screens with DIFFERENT shows/applications/texts/musical devices going on simultaneously. I don't even know where to look first. I feel constantly torn between the seeming obligation to keep up relations with people and/or strangers who are interested in the updates regarding my daily activities and the strong desire to LIVE MY LIFE without needing to track every single moment, nonetheless, showcase it in front of virtual strangers. What a life I'm living. I need to change my patterns into solid ones. I feel like all my efforts to remember my life are thrown into this virtual abyss that essentially is one gigantic trash can where attempting to retrieve my life would be more of a hassle than purely tracking it daily. 

I need it to be solid. I need to be real. I need it to matter in ways that are tangible, that are touchable, that are available for me touch and feel and recall whenever I please. 

Perhaps I need a plan, something I can refer upon when I begin to feel lost in the of many screens. 

I go back and forth in between the desire to be surrounded by people who understand my humor, can keep me company in the moments of feeling lost as well as the times I'm thriving and the opposing wanting to progress on my own, without the influence of another. Although, I know that I'm viscerally and innately a person of purposeful loneliness. When I sense something getting too close, perhaps altering my perception of life, my instinct to throw it aside as I like to think I am not in need of anything or anyone but I know I'm wrong. I'm a loner at heart with an extra layer of wanting people around... but the RIGHT people. I've found literally a HAND FULL of people I can be around for extended periods... and they've come and gone in the saddest of ways; either due to my own stupidity and misjudgment in regard to the value of those people OR their own decisions of walking out of my life. It has been as such, and what's done is done. I need to be hyper aware of these kinds of people and do all that is my power to keep them. Every human matters, but we are selfish creatures, aren't we? We want things that define us, that complement us, that add to our lives in positive ways. A literal planet added to our solar system. That is what these people are, and what they have been and will be. 

I need a planet. 

Fleetwood Mac - I Don't Want To Know

Do you.

Do I matter in your life?
Do you dream of endless days spent along side my company?
Do you have exquisite realizations of yearning for my touch?
Do you find yourself wishing to be surrounded by my presence?
Do you matter to you?
Do you hope for more hope?
Do you know who you are?
Do you lose yourself in life's daily menial tasks, then find yourself in the comfort of love?
Do you believe in love?
Do you not fear life's end, but rather never beginning it?
Do you wish for better days?
Do you have blind faith?
Do I matter in your life?

Come with me, my love, to the sea of love.

Body.

I sing the body electric. The armies of those I love and girth me, and I ingirth them. They will not let me off till I go with them. Respond to them. and discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the soul. Womanhood, and all that is a woman, and the man that comes from woman.

Lana Del Rey - Tropico (Short Film) (Explicit)