Last year I could say that I was both at my absolute best and absolute worst, repeatedly, cycled, over and over and over again. Every near year is scary.
Every new day is scary, moments inexperienced are scary. But I love it, I love it all so much. Sometimes I'm afraid I haven't done enough, or maybe I've done too much. Afraid I haven't loved enough, or loved too much. Afraid I haven't given enough, or given too much. Honestly though, there is never a perfect balance of the aforementioned things. I've grown to believe that accepting the decisions I've made in my past, in whatever I've exposed about myself or kept inside, is a true part of thriving as a human. Whatever true sadness, heartbreak, doubt, fear, pain, confusion or loss I'v experienced in the past year has happened to bring me here, where I stand, writing these words in genuine love of where I've chosen to take steps and where I've chosen to avoid.
You know the feeling of something that is viscerally an integrated part of your soul, your existence, your every breath.. something that is so beautiful that you cannot bear to even speak of it because it affects you so completely and strongly? That is how I feel about a lot of things. I feel inclined to name some of them, mostly so I never let them slip away unknowingly.
~ When you hear a song, a single song that you instantly fall into and abandon all sense of reality when you hear it. I hope everyone has experienced this, because how can there be life without music and beautiful melodies?
~ Waking up happy for no reason. We don't always need a reason to truly thrive.
~ Reading a book that describes my thoughts as I go through the sentences.
~ Finding an activity, something that serves you forever and always. Something that even if you suddenly cannot do this activity any longer, it has changed you positively eternally.
~ Meeting people who understand me, and vice versa. This is something I value in the deepest of ways.
~ Selfless kindness. I've grown to not think the worst in people anymore. There is some good in all of us. If you disagree, I respect it. This is my choice. Personally though, I'm always so appreciative and surprised when people provide me with kindness and generosity without a question. My first inclination used to be that I don't deserve such kindness, but I had to rid myself of that. Kindness is subjective. Kindness is given without question, without wanting anything in return, it is pure and honest.
~ Artistry. One's artistry is something I admire so deeply. And not only that, when one works daily to hone their skill or chosen activity, it astounds me. Consistency is chosen by these people, dedication, love of one's practice.. all of those things are wonderful to possess. Never take your gifts for granted.
~ The morning. The guarantee that the Sun will always rise and grace its shine against anything in its path. I suppose you can say that I'm known to love the early day, it's true and I'm glad that's a thing people associate with me. Sometimes I'm judged upon it, sometimes I'm asked how to adopt my way of life; whatever the case may be, it's what I love. Remember that you cannot love everyone and not everyone can love you, but respect should replace love if there is none present. Be kind to the ones fighting a battle that which cannot be seen by the naked eye.
~ When something beautiful needs no conversation. It just, is.
~ The Beach. Ever since I graduated High School, I gravitated to the beach inexplicably at first almost every day in Summer of 2007. At first I'd go because I knew I'd never run into anyone I knew there. It felt new and fresh.. like pure escapism from any stigma people associated with me. In time, I tried to understand why I felt like I belonged there. I grew to see that I wasn't actually escaping or running from anything, in fact, I was EXACTLY where I needed to be.
Try this~~~
Imagine yourself at a beach, any beach. Put aside any qualms with the weather, crowds of people there, self consciousness of your body, or fear of the water. Just, be present. Look at the water and how it seems to never end. Look at your feet and the sand beneath them holding you up gently but solidly. If you fell, it would catch you. Listen to the sounds of the water and wind against the waves. It's the sound of the Universe. Look at how the rays of the sun seem to appear as diamonds strewed across the blue sea. Choose to be there, and find peace in yourself through your surroundings.
I found my niches, my style, things to identify with. I stand alone in who I am and so should everyone, but what is life without layers...without something that defines me and is synonymous with my name when you hear it?
One of my favorite combination of words ever ~
"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."
J
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