Goodbye Forever

The topics of weed and whether it should be legalized, how it affects the mind and body and its possibly medical benefits are never ending and so I'd rather not discuss them, this isn't politics, I don't want to get into a virtual yelling match over a green plant growing from the land we all are blessed to live on. 

Regardless, we can all admit that our OPINIONS tend to stem from EXPERIENCES, right? Well, here's my experience in a short summary: 

I started it solely for one reason which is actually stated below in the first quote, I wanted to jive with and impress people/persons with how earthy and open I was, I felt the strong need to open up and we all know weed to be sort of a truth serum, right? Yeah, well, it backfired. I became addicted to the world I warped to when I felt the instant high hit, the person I became but never really was eventually morphed into this second pseudo-reality I felt to be so genuinely real. At first, it was great... I had FINALLY found something to ease the subtle but consistent pain I felt my entire life, to make me forget, to allow me to actively suppress all the things I wished to erase, to put me in a state of peace, to keep me physically still with a mind working passively to filter out all the negativity to leave behind just simple joy... 

But then, the toxicity of it became real. I noticed that I became paranoid, I felt blue more and more frequently even though I used it to take away that very feeling, anxiousness and insomnia kicked in... symptoms I thought I had BEFORE starting my love affair with weed but really, I had only just created them when I began hitting the pipe. 

The very problems I had wanted so desperately for it to remedy, it itself caused them. How awful of a thing is that to realize, and how wonderful is it to know that something can actually be done to fix it? 

Well, for the past few months, I had wanted to stop, but I suppose not enough because every night I would end up doing the same thing before bed....but one night, one particular night when I had had a sort of epiphany, when I didn't want you anymore...you...both of you, when the moment of sheer disgust with myself and all that I've brought upon me.... I knew I had to stop.

I've lost years of my education, 
I've lost friends, 
I've lost love, 
I've lost money, 
I've lost a job, 
I've lost some respect, 
I've lost some internal balance, 
I've lost some sanity. 
All of which I've brought upon myself, aware of my actions at the moment, but not aware of the repercussions. Oh how foolish of me, can I forgive myself? I can, I must, life cannot be lived I cannot say sorry to me and i turn accept the apology with open arms. I know there's more I have to let go of, I'll do it soon. That must end as well. That which has brought me to the beginning of this, and the end of this. 

This is not say that weed still hasn't permitted me to see beauty as I've never seen it. Thank you for that, weed, thank you, or beautiful greenery of Mother Earth... forever I will be appreciate for that.. but it's time I let you go. 

Goodbye forever. 

"I’m inclined to think we were all using you because we were slightly uncomfortable with ourselves and didn’t want to bother enduring that, especially in the company of others we wanted to impress and jive with."

"I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful, because you instill a beautiful facet of ritual in a world grossly devoid of lasting meaning. And that’s something we should all pause to contemplate and hopefully correct, by (almost) any means necessary."

"you’re a crutch, you’re a tool, you’re a middle man to a core that I can’t afford to access indirectly anymore. On the bright side, you’ve taught me how to spot a crutch (under whatever many guises they come in) and now, in your wake, I’ve learned about their repercussions."

"Don’t be mad but you know the gem we gain with you can’t actually be had without hard work and dedication when sober. You’re a cheat code. You’re a giant, quantum leap forward. But without you, after you’re gone, you’re a double quantum dip backwards. And not all your fans get this I guess, and it’s because they stay with you."

"And I think you’re proud, I think your whole charm is that you give of yourself and secrets of the universe so lovingly with the hope that we’ll walk away glimpsing the myriad possibilities and then go do it for ourselves. You’re the answer key in the back of the book, the teacher’s copy of the book. The best way to learn is to teach. Now that you’ve taught me, I’m going out there to find out what it is that you must be learning.

See you on the other side."

Me.