Sounds of my Day 2...

Help me move this gargantuam piece of furniture will ya?...
"Quiero ir a la playa todos los dias..." "YOU SPEAK SOUTH AMERICAN?!"..."um..."
I'm going to remember you as a time of day catface...
This is a Rockaway Bound A train, next stop Euclid Avenue...
How can one not regret yet severely miss simultaneously?...
"I WANNA SMOKE MARIJUANA!"...
"Small iced coffee with skim and 2 splendas"..."sure"... :::adds whole milk:::
" I SAID SKIM!!!!!" :::dies:::
"Spare some change?..."
My body is the earth you are my gravity...
"Elvis go to sleep it's 3fuckingAM."... "I NEVER SLEEP!" :::flies:::
Happiness runs in the shape of colors...
DO I LOOK LIKE FOOD TO YOU SEAGULL?!?...
The problem is I eat 90,000 calories a day...
Joanie biffle i miss you...
How does it know i know Pashaaaa!!%^$?...
Are those real?...
This is Halsey street...
100 foot faces, God's good ocean gone wrong...
:::stomach rumbles:::
COPS!...
"If you were the wood I'd be the fire. If you were the love I'd be the desire"...
Hey Lady Bug...oh wait I'm Banana Peel right?...
Does Ronald McDonald live up there?...
You ate my pasta stupid child...
"Where's my Vanilla faced woman?"...
Harmonica...
At 21, I can legally do everything I've been doing since the age of 15...
Stuck in Houstatlantavegas...
No worries...YES WORRIES...
Mother can you see me?...
Munchie and PandaBee...
Part time lover and a full time friend...
The storn is coming...

It's a universal language

I wish I wasn't too old to go to tennis camp at Arthur Ashe. I loved being the best at the beginner's level.


Once you love, you are incapable of feeling anything lesser. People of who speak of love promiscously have never fallen into it. So let me be real here...

I am about the now and the potential, doing what you please because there are no obligations...being a bird really calls for freedom to fly and still be close...
I'm about going in my best friend's fridge and eating her ice cream because we're that comfortable with eachother...
I'm about getting to be best friends at some point with my whomever my boyfriend may be because I refuse to settle for less.

I learn as I go...patience is important. Conversely, good judgement is also quite dire.

A lot of awful things happen to wonderful people...however, misfortunes make the world revolve. Without sadness, we'd never know what it feels like to heal, scars would never mark us and life stays stagnant. Progression would be non-existent. There is no learning without mistakes and regret. The person behind these blue eyes sees things from a wider spectrum, my peripheral vision is expanded...

I never want to be the girl that gets flowers daily, i'm not the one youre going to see in only dresses and heels over Filet Minot & caviar. I'm the person you could call when youre crying hysterically because I'll never fail to create a smile or give you solicited advice, I'll share everything since there's a reason why there's more than one person on this planet. You could watch King of Queens with me, eat a whole pizza pie, see transformers, get drunk, fly to Germany on a whim, shop for socks, run on the treadmill, play chess and dive into the ball pit thingy in McDonald's at the age of 30. I'm your friend before anything.

Just so the this world filled with 6 billion people doesn't forget... The universal language is love.
Love doesn't fill a void, it complements another existence. It's provides support in absolutely anything. In every sense of the word...it's sharing everything and still keeping who you are. It creates space for itself and is there when its needed and even when it's not.

WORLD...don't forget that when everything is going wrong...I assure you there's some love out there to put a smile on your face.

cofusion in who?

I’ve always said that I know who I am, that I’m comfortable in my own skin – but do you ever find yourself in a setting that you’re not accustomed to yet somehow identify yourself with it? For example, there’s a type of girl that lives my neighborhood, not at all a bad type, but definitely one I can categorize. Even though I don’t resemble them, I feel like I’m a little bit of what they are just because I live there. Though, I don’t have any of their mannerisms or speech annunciations. It’s hard to explain…in some way, I’m a Ridgewood girl born and raised.

Whenever I listen to something other than rock, I feel both exhilarated and afraid that my rock side will find out I’m cheating on it.

Whenever I swear my sweater Ugg resembling boots, I feel like I belong in Long Island.

Whenever I find myself in a bar, I feel like I should’ve gone to NYU.

All these conflicting interests confuse me yet I embrace it because otherwise I’d be a damned boring girl.

Paradise

What a beautiful world, so fragile and fertile
Pain filled the void when boy met girl
He’s a puppet to nature, one year later
Now so deeply and sickly in love it makes him hate her
The average romanticized American relationship
Sinks, capsized when either side becomes a slave to it
Conditioned, dependent, afraid to be alone
He needs that feeling that he can’t create all on his own
He despises the fact she has a life outside of him
It drives him crazy to think she’s not insanely consumed with him
Give her the guilt-trip and maybe she’ll quit living,
To stay behind his prison walls and lose all individualism
Well this is happiness, masochistic torture
Played by the decadent, craved of affection
The needle digs deep to push contentment through his bloodstream
And drown out hollow, the pothole of a junkie
If he could only hear her sing, he
wouldn’t want to break her wings
But emptiness has such a warm, subtle sting
She makes up for what he lacks, trapped,
He can’t imagine life without someone like that
We’ve rediscovered the long-lost art of dying
Only to lonely resent angels for flying
Twisted, living off of each other’s sickness like parasites
This is paradise
We’ve rediscovered the long-lost art of dying
Only to lonely resent angels for flying
Addicted, afraid to take control of my own life
This is paradise
What a beautiful world, emotionally destroyed
Her became plural when girl met boy
Between several breakups and plenty relapses
Routine bred-comfort led to serious attachment
Now every once in a while she forgets to breathe
Terrified of losing him, paradise is misery
Too much faith in the life-saving knight in shining armour
Now her knight’s noticing the scars she can’t hide any longer
But they were her story way before he was
It was gross hope to think he could heal such deep cuts
At first it felt so right but after one too many fights,
He turned out that hallway light and all
the wonder turned to spite
So they sleep in the same bed with guns to each others’ heads
Dead the romance, boiling the blood that painted roses red
Suffering from post-honeymoon disease, bleached through
His whole existence, she’ll die if he decides to leave
Addicted to the way she feels when they spend time together
Detouring the now in a childish attempt to find forever
Despite the fact they hold each other heart to heart
You can’t be that close to somebody without being so far apart
Silence, the most obscure sound I’ve ever heard
Those lonely, giant spaces in between your every word
And maybe, I’m totally crazy for holding on but
Just cus I’m insane, don’t mean that I’m wrong
Now that you’re gone I can’t sleep at night
I barely even function right, my memory’s on overdrive
Too hungry and too cold to cry
Miss the companionship I once took for granted
The way you helped me manage, the partnership that vanished
But I don’t expect you to stay chained by the ankle,
There’s so much world to see so, fly free my angel
I’m dying without you, but it’s teaching me to live
Heaven ain’t something someone else can give
It’s all inside of me

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder

if some day or night, a demon were to sneak after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you,
"this is life as you now live it and have lived it and you will have to once more and more innumerable times more, and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain, and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything immeasurably small or great in your life must return to you, all in the same succession and sequence and even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and i myself. the eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a dust grain of dust."

I begin to hate you for your face not just the things you do

I begin to hate you for your face, not just the things you do

I saw a couple waiting for the train the other day. Actually, I wouldn’t even call them a couple; they were more like a severely primitive form of a raw relationship between a man and woman. I can sense the desire to control and be controlled simultaneously. I can also sense the ridiculously strong fire that burns them both…almost to the point of feeling pleasure after extreme pain…simply by being in one another’s presence. That is something that I don’t have a name for because it’s not love, infatuation or attraction. Perhaps barbaric would be fitting. It’s something so rare that it’s like seeing a creature of an extinct species walk past your front door drinking a coke from BK.

The city is like a multitude of steps that ascend and descend in no particular order. They are like the world at large…everything at random without patterns or continuity. Our purpose is to make sense out of it all.
I can never look at Classic Architecture the same way. Because of the text I’m reading, I’ll never be able to think that everything that has columns, colonnades, a nave or bay, flying buttresses and some sort of lion or ghoul isn’t a carbon copy of a previous structure that uses the excuse of “integrity” and faith to the founding fathers of architecture.

All I can do is laugh now because no one and I mean NO ONE has ever proven me wrong in terms of expectations. Some have come close but eventually fuck up. And yes I understand people fuck up because of course we’re all human and don’t reproduce asexually so I forgive…and forgive…and effing forgive. But what happens after my forgiveness supplies have been exhausted and there’s nothing left but NOTHING? Apparently, it just continues which is why I just can’t be serious about it anymore. I just can’t care because it’s taking too much of me away.
love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don’t know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who’ve never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you’ve felt what it means to love as you and I know it–the total passion for the total height–you’re incapable of anything less.’

Can one love another love much? Reverence after love possibly?

“It is necessary only to hate, to hate blindly, to hate patiently, to hate without anger, only to hate and let nothing intervene, and not let oneself forget…..”
Every step I take shatters a tiny part of the Earth below me. I wonder if possibly one day, it’ll just break apart and I’d fall into the abyss.

You will never know but I want to be the catalyst behind your downfall. I want to be the reason why you don’t walk down the isle because it’ll be right. I want to be the reason you can’t type the letter J without instantly thinking of me. I want to be the face that envelopes every. I want to drown you in guilt, make you the subject of “pin the tail on the fool”, make you trip every 38th step…I want you fall on your knees and feel lower than the ground you’re kneeling on. I want the word shame to form in your cereal. I want you to forget that anything besides your own tears exists. After everything…I want you to live and be reminded by the scars on your poor soul.

Every single one of us is racist. Anyone who denies it is in complete denial.
I think Polaroids are beautiful. I want to cover my room in them. Every inch of it. Even the little corner in the back of my closer that’s hard to get to because of all the shoes I don’t wear anymore.

Semiconscious delirium

mental deterioration

hypnotic environment

LALALA.
I’ll knife you. Barbaric primitive

What it is to know me

I’ve always had a hint – actually a gargantuan part of me has been insecure, shy…just generally reclusive. But you know what, I just noticed that I’m not that anymore, I always hated people who play beer pong and party with a biology textbook in hand, people who stay up all night and go out on weekdays, people who listen to more than one genre of music, people who actively pursue their career past classes and textbooks.

Hell, I am those things! Yeah, I like indie and obscure rap. Yeah, I go to loud rock concerts and bob my head to some fantastic R&B. Yeah I drink, party and hold a 3.5 GPA. I’m tired of hearing bullshit, if I want omething to happen, unless I’m missing limbs, I’m doing it. I have a damn personality; a multi-faceted one at that. I live with my mistakes; I reminisce about my good memories and never forget my fuckups. I dance in my room to shit you wouldn’t expect me to. I take baths. My bike is my car – 2-wheelers PREVAIL. I’m not perfect and I love it. Yeah, I’ve got small boobs but I’ve got a bangin’ ass to make up for it. Yeah, I know my face isn’t perfect – I wear makeup, DEAL WITH IT.

Got an addiction? I’ll feed it that shit you’ll like it. I own this city. I get through the knitty gritty. I often can’t tell when someone’s flirting with me, that means I probably don’t like you. I’m unstoppable. Everything I’m doing is Brand New. I’m the goofiest, most random person you’ll ever meet. Stop fucking calling me CUTE. I think Pollock is bullshit – Degas, Cezanne and Goya REIGN. Never take me to a club. Never underestimate me. I play pool. I smoke hookah. I swim. I love the beach more than food. I love art history. Regardless of how much I get hurt, I’ll never run out of love.


s

the perils of smoking, bank accounts, winter and the MTA.

So I've got some major venting to do.

#1) Smokers: As i was leaving the gym today, I see a man and a woman who I assume are dating idling outside the entrance. When I look closely, I realize that they're BOTH smoking WHILE wearing gym clothes, indicating that they're about to EXERCISE after SMOKING. (Mind you, they're clearly overweight...) I know this is something people do sometimes but I never cease to think these people are utter morons. Yes, I know, quitting is a treacherous path before it gets any smoother but COME ON PEOPLE.

A couple of people (smokers) have told me that they're cardio exercise limit is 15 minutes. This tid bit of information that several people have told me WORD FOR WORD..."Nah, I can't run or bike all that long. I'm a smoker." Oh, it hurts my soul whenever I hear this. What I'm REALLY hearing everytime these words cross my path is, "I lack the ability to pump a sufficient amount of oxygen to my heart because I constantly inhale toxic materials therefore my exercise limit is minimized."
I'm both disgusted, saddened, and just slightly lose hope in man kind...i mean smokers. :D

So the point is, for God's sake, say no to cancer and get yourself on the right track.

#2) I'll make this one short. I've come to the final conclusion that the entire MTA system is fucked beyond repair. Unless someone pulls half the world's population worth of money out of their ass, we're screwed. I can't help believe what public transportation is by definition...a cheaper way of traveling as well as a small step in preventing the giant Global Warming issue that everyone seems to blabber about with their cousins, neighbors and dogs. So how is that the tables have turned and now driving is cheaper than the MTA? I'm sorry but when I saw once 1.90 per gallon of gas, my jaw dropped....and I never even had a car nor do I have a license. The last time I recall gas was so cheap, I think I was, like, 11? My mom used to pay 20 bucks to fill up her ancient Nissan Hatchback and off we went with a full tank! Fuck you recession. FUCK YOU. .|..
\ /


#3) I think Winter has become so unbearable for me that I'm sure I won't be able to function one more of these 28 degree mornings. I would KILL to be care on the beach this second...alone...enjoying the vastness of the ocean...soaking in way to much Vitamin D. Sadly enough, I don't think I want to live any where but NYC.

#4) So being the moron that I am, I mistakenly put down the account for my checking instead of savings on my tax returns. THOUGH, i did check the savings box so I'm not sure why they disregarded the difference in accounts. Regardless, After months of wondering where my much anticipated check was, I finally came to the realization that it went to my checking...so essentially I spent it WITHOUT knowing I did. NO wonder my debit card never declined! i just thought i was spending small amounts of money! Fuck, I should have looked into my statements more carefully and realized there was 1000 dollars deposited. HOW COULD I MISS THIS? I admit, i fucked up, i lost money, my dad lost money because I filed independently....argh. I WILL BE MUCH MORE CAREFUL WITH MY MONIES. life goes on.

more to come soon.

Sounds of my day...

^ credit Cait M.B. great friend. great photographer.
Today, Cloudy with a change of showers in the evening...
This is a Brooklyn bounds M Train, the next stop is...Chambers Street...
Stand clear of the closing doors please...
I love you...
Rhythm is the flow of music through time...
Revolving door, over the top, keep your wrists straight, now jump rope!...
do you think it'll last?...
You're not who I thought you were...
Give me back my plushy earphone...
What was he thinking...
Are those your real eyes?...
Just jealous cause we're young and in love...
Somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you go too cool...
Can we erase single memories?...
Stand clear of the closing doors please...
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...
When you see me cross the street because I'll surely knock you out...
I am invincible...
Fighting battles with food...
Wanna get lunch?...I'm in the boooofeee....
A man in a hotel tangles to his teeth by the telephone...
I want to play with the notches in your spine...
I'm carving your silhouette in the air...
Ids ids ids...
If my thoughts exist then I, too, must exist...
Next Stop...stony brook...
Ray Ban? Ray Bari?...
Fight off your demons fight off your demons fight off your demons...
excuse me miss can you spare some change?...
sigh...
Gabriela Paula Lazar...
I saw our sad Messiah...
Arrhythmia, pacing, heart, tingling, diffused pain, hypertension...
propanolol?...
Who needs friends? I need friends. Where do i find them? Hell if I know...
Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply, cause I can dish it out...I can't take it...
This story's old and it goes on and old until we disappear...
This is Flatbush avenue...
bush apologized but no one gives a shit...
Lightning crashes...
I faltered but I forgave...
Tall no foam skinny hazelnut latte...
$11 dollar bills you know you got ten...
You know, the movie about drugs..."Rugs?!"...Drugs!..."drunks?!...DRUGS!!!...OHH.
Let's see who's a good Jewish child today...
TIC TAC?...
Do you wanna go feed a kangaroo in Australia?...
Koala bears are cuter that pandas. I beg to differ...
Know any psychological tearjerkers?...
KAFKA?...
The library hates me...
CUTE...
Everyone must get stoned...
Get a live journal...
I need dishwasher liquid...laundry detergent?...NO dishwasher liquid!...
It's Islam awareness month. really?...I wasn't aware...
Transfer is available to the N,R,M,Q,2,3,4,5,J, Z and the LIRR.
There's something enticing about Kid Rock, but I want my kids away from him...
He is the lamb, she is the slaughterer...
Remember that time we discussed vampires and how people secretly want to be them...
Die young an save yourself...
You wanna share a banana?...
Who married Scarlet?...
what color is in your hair?...
Did you pour red in your hair before you got here?...
Any swing dancers here?...
i hate you for your face not just the things you do...
Don't forget your microwave. They're muffins stupid...
Yes, I made the cinnamon toast from scratch...
I'm one of those lip syncers on the train...

There is no adjective

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