no subject at all

I never ever say what really bothers me most of them time because i just don't careee.
But really i just need to write it and somehow, maybe i just won't care all over again.

I really hate when i don't know what to say,
or when i can't make conversation because i'm afraid i'll say something dumb or something that goes to far.
or when i can't be my self when most of the time i really am,
i hate it when i sit in silence and i know things should be said,
i hate it when i'm confused and i let myself stay that way,
when people don't answer me when i know they're there and i'm always there,
when people say NM,
when people don't realize they can tell me anything and i'll listen,
i hate odd numbers,
when people don't use you're and your properly,
i don't hate hypocrites because i am one sometimes.
when people just say things without thinking,
i hate when others can't tell i'm not okay when i can easily tell they aren't,
when i spill coffee all over my cup every time because apparently i can't drink from a cup properly.


I decided not to get the Play Crack tattoo. I really love that song, the lyrics, the melody, the fact that some people learned to play it on a guitar just for me, i love the meaning, i love how i understand it. Although, i cannot believe it. i really cannot truly believe in the song and if i get it tattooed to me, it will be like a constant reminder of it...and i don't want that.

goodnight.


this girl is my sisterrr.

Sounds of my Day 3

-You tried to put out a fire but you used Gasoline.
-Bacon Smoothie!
-Baaaaaahhhh. Murmurrrmurrr.
-"Want to know something daunting J? Love IS everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for...and the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk ever more."
-"Okay, so did you bring the chronic?"
-" think we'd have beautiful children."
-"Here, hold my fist. You lost hand privileges."
-"Where do you find these people Joan?"
-"I am a lesbian, but only on Tuesdays."
-"I want to be Jesse Lacey when I grow up. It requires wearing plaid shirts everyday and living in a van."
- "Joan you cannot just dance and meow in class."
- Skeptical hippo is...skeptical.
- Awkward frantic jellyfish.
- "This is a Metropolitan Avenue bound M train...the next stop is Myrtle Wycoff."
- The most beautiful boogieman.
- One foot out the door. Everybody seems so sure. I'm gonna lose my way. As if they were the ones to put the keys in the lock. I can't solve the war. I can't feel my face.
- "is the umbillical cord on the heart?"
- " Today, I will find out if I'm an aunt or uncle."
- Joanbug.
- stephanie: "it's 7 deg--"
J:" it's seven de-shut the fuck up."
- I'd arrest you if I had handcuffs, I'd arrest you if I had the time."
-Play Crack The Sky.
- It feels good waking up to you.
-Kim: "Peeshka just licked my yogurt and I want to punch her in the throat."
J: Your vagina has a THROAT?!"
- "So let me get this straight, I'm your girlfriend, best friend, and sister?"
-I collect memories.
-He's an island to discover.
-I just want to take a hairbrush and weed out all the complications.
-"And I shout that you're all fakes. Your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation. You're just jealous. I'm sorry if I dissed you"
- "I walk these streets and I wonder, who do I belong to?"
-Kim: "it is not okay to be sick, sad, lost or poor. I wish both of us stayed like this forever and we always laughed and everyone's heart would stay whole. It would be okay. In fact, It would make my life."
- "This is a nowhere bound 13 train, the next stop is Soul St. Stand clear of the closing wings..."

What can i say.

If only this got me through college.



STRAIGHT out of an american apparel ad. Or not.

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Oh. Okay.



Hardcore hipster. I'm glad i don't know this man...boy...thing...




Oh okay. That's cool.



look at this kitty. I really can't handle it.



minus Choke and Brave New World, those are my favorite books. And some hipster has a tattoo if it. I am shaking my head in dismay. It is not okay. I would like to believe that he is the unoriginal one, not me.

and another one.

another second,
another breath,
another hour,
another step,
another train ride,
another conversation,
another day,
another blink,
another word unsaid.

Epiphany.
I may sound cliche, but the following is fact. Equivalent to saying the sun is a star.
Every day passes and we sit and wait and do nothing. I wish some things weren't gradual, i wish they just came.
We seek solace in ones we must chase and ignore the ones who are there all along.
We stay in situations that tear us in many directions without doing anything.
We feel our souls sink when we witness a tragedy and stay quiet until we fall apart.
What i just breathed, what i just did a second ago...it's gone forever. I can't just go back and move my hand in another direction, i can't just go back and take the bus home instead of the train, i can't just go back and somehow save my mom, i can't just go back and undo things that made my life tumultuous.
But you know what? We feed off this tumultuous nature; we almost enjoy the drama.
No, that's a lie. I don't enjoy it..in fact, i want to punch drama in the throat. As if it were a real person. Some people enjoy it though...such fools.
So if the second i just felt is gone, then i want the next one to be better. I want the promise to be true. I hope it's true. I just really want it to be.



I really like this cat. His name is Lindy.

our bodies washed up

I don't know what it is but i'm incredibly tired of school and i just want it to end and oh my god it's just too much. Can i really do this?

All i want to do is look at beautiful things, read words that make me forget myself, love like i've never loved before, paint a picture of my life, listen to melodies that make my soul dance and watch the sun rise and set without looking away.

I want my body tattooed with all the things i love.

I want to take a boat ride to Boston and think about Play Crack the Sky.

I want the weather to be warm so i can just lose all inhibitions and run ravishly through the sand into the water and splash it over the please so i can make the ocean the know tham i'm there and that i love it with all my body.

Jesus CHRIST i have so much i want to give and do. I can't understand why at this very moment i feel like i'm going to burst if i don't do something extravagant and beautiful and glorious.

I'm tired of my dad being a dick. I just don't fucking care any more and won't care i swear. I can't stand to be held back anymore. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

i think run on sentences are better than normal sentences. it doesn't matter if there's too many "ands" and fluffy nonsense.

there is no adjective part 2

The rose has but a summer's reign but the daisy never dies.

Daisies were known through all the wars standing the test of time and keeping their grace and beauty. It also means days eve, in regards to how the flower opens. It opens in the morning and closes at night. how it comes full circle.

On Thursday, March 5th, i wrote the blog named "There is no Adjective." I deleted it because i grew to believe there really was an adjective for it. I was wrong, severely wrong. No word will ever suffice for what I felt on that day, for what feelings encapsulated my body and led me to write such honest words. What i felt then, is still present as I type these words. The closest thing to it is a daisy. It withstands battles, hate, war, tramplings, everything that is regarded as destructive in this world.


- SO i feel the need to discuss what happened at the get together in Jason's honor. So at first it was just a couple of us doing hookah but then Vic and Nigel showed up...which of course completed the circle of happiness. Everyone was together...all six of us. We decided to grab some drinks somewhere and of course, the tequila shots came rolling in without a stop on sight. Everyone got wasted except Maddy. Every was smiling, overjoyed, pouring i love you's out to everyone...just plain awesome in a cup. As you can see in the photo, those were quite over sized cups resulting in double shots which of course, did not agree with my body. The following two days were horrendous, minus the time when i drank half a bottle of Bacardi. That was quite an experience. Anyway, i managed to miss an exam and a day I had a paper due. Note to self: never drink tequila when Nigel is involved.
But really, all jokes aside, that day was fantastical and it reminded me of what happiness really is. There is no adjective for it.


- So video chatting with vanessa is like eating popsicles on a 105 degree day.


- This is my father. He could be a dick sometimes but i still love him. Look at him drinking that coffee all proper. We were in Boston here over looking Cape Anne: one of the most beautiful places in the world. Someone come with me there again.



15th
5th
7th
3rd
5th
24th
5th

no subject. at all.

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i got nothin.

if it kills me

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

top of my mind

Wake up. Get out of bed and stop hiding under the duvet, no matter how warm it is. You will get nothing accomplished. Put some clothes on. Wear the red tights with the mustard yellow shoes. Arrange the 3 day old curls in your hair. Do something nice for yourself today. Get pretty for absolutely no reason other than to prove to yourself that you’re not worthless and sloven. Go to your favorite record store and listen to the old man’s playlist that usually consists of Howlin’ Wolf and strange 60s Middle Eastern music. Buy yourself your favorite garlic and tomato burrito, and make sure you get extra guacamole. Drive past Emily Dickinson’s house and imagine the lack of life she had. Spend the extra money on your favorite art magazine and plan a trip to Sweden in your head. Sing your favorite songs in your car. Make a pit stop to the reservoir. Collect the last leaves from autumn. Watch the sun sink into the horizon.Don’t stare at your phone and wait for it to vibrate. Don’t mope. Don’t think about the only men in your life that have belittled you this week. Don’t sit. Don’t wait. Don’t look at the time that you’ve always set to three hours behind. Don’t delay your life even though someone has attempted to delay yours."


Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do the same for them.

For the third reiteration, we are our biggest thieves. We allow a slight level of torture towards ourselves...a compensation mechanism if you must. Whether it be subconscious or conscious, it is present within most of us. We have sinned, so we permit a level of continuous failure to sort of, punish ourselves. I have watched myself commit this crime towards myself endless times, and it doesn't seem to fail.

We live a culture of guilt. Not of shame.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>


I know all right choices. I have an outline. I have the ideas. What holds us back is the fear of breaking someone else, of our skepticism towards the outcome, the future, the days we breathe alongside our decisions.

We fear the "ifs", the effects, the OTHER possibility and if it would've brought us more happiness. What holds me back is the hope of potential growth. We ponder it, we mull it over in our minds, we never let it leave our questionable minds.

Summer & Autumn

500 DAYS OF SUMMER is real. To the writer it's real. To the viewer...ME...it's real. He was Summer. YOU are my Autumn: the only season that matters.