Meat or Manhunt

I randomly remembered this time when I was kid sitting outside my stoop and i was arguing with a childhood friend of mine over something trivial:

"you're mean!" me
"yeah...well you're a chicken!"
"Well if i'm a chicken...then...um...you're beef!!!!."
"um."

She looked at me dumbfounded, wondering if she won the argument, lost...or simply lost the subject we were talking about. Meat, or manhunt.

Joan

changes

I am going to make some drastic changes.
I have to admit that I the biggest thief to my self that I know.
No more late night hang outs with shady characters. No more of a lot of things I know are wrong.
I genuinely resent my self at the moment and I've got legitimate reasons to also.

i can't stand loud drunks.

biggest thief

theft:

"In this moment she felt she had been robbed of an enormous number of valuable things, whether material or intangible: things lost or broken by her own fault, things she had forgotten and left in houses when she moved: books borrowed and not returned, journey's she had planned and not made, words she had waited to hear spoken to her and had not heard, and the words she had meant to answer with her bitter alternatives and intolerable substitutes worse than anything, and yet inescapable: the long patient suffering of dying friendships and the dark inexplicable death of love -- all that she had had, and all that she had missed, were lost together, and were twice lost in the landslide of remembered losses."

"She was right to not be afraid of any thief but herself, who will end up leaving her nothing."

We are our biggest thieves.


hidden luminosity in van gogh

closure

I've been feeling the extremes of various emotions. Once when walking on the boulevard towards a coffee shop...the wind blew so incredibly hard that I was able to lean against it. I felt the power of nature coming into a literal collision with my body.

I'm convinced something dies when we grow older...though there has to be something new to take the place of what has died; otherwise there would be void and how could any one live like that?

During the seldom times when I break down, everything comes down simultaneously. As in, not only is the cause of my breakdown hurting me, it's also the things from the past that remind me of sadness. ....i think I just feel things more than others. Or perhaps I'm a confused 20 year old who looks too deep into things. I personally think it's more of the former than the latter. Bah....it doesn't matter really.

songs of the day:
cleanser - bn
burns gold - bn
the scientist - CP <3>

Joan

sadly enough

DELETED and re evaluated.
Below. Standing man. Took years to complete because he was obsessed with the creases in the jacket. Brilliant. de kooning.
.

create the fate of other beings

My greatest fear is not letting myself in.
Recognizing water lilies and hallow apples is how I begin the day.
i won't see love till summer; my only consolation is your embrace.
Jesus Christ, the only thing that will wash out my memories of you are heavy nails and strong knees.
Endurance is the game I play.
Can't you see they sleep in the same bed with guns to each others heads.
One day he'll murder her as Hamlet's father took his last breath.
Coke can't save the requiem for a dream.
I would love to one day play with crack in the sky at a quarter past four in the morning.
SoCo Amaretto Lime is my favorite drink.
The horrifying vastness of the ocean churns with ominous messages that only Thomas can recognize.
The wrong words will cause the vessel to crash in Donnie's bedroom.
Donnie shot Frank the bunny in the eye and then later let the vessel murder him to save Gretchen.
It's what he wanted and what the portal allowed him.
Time travel is possible.
Who is the one that haunts my dreams of mountains sunk below the sea?
He's never gonna get it right.
What is most fleeting emotion?
The aeroplane flying over the sea crashes into a cloud.
I think being afraid makes me more human.
I'd rather be blue than have no pulse.
I'll never crave the touch of cold.
I'll sow the seeds and grow tomatoes for my neighbor but it don't mean a thing if he ain't got that sugar.
Why can't Hamlet be a woman instead?
Does it really last?
Can a psychiatrist and patient switch roles and blur the lines between disturbed and stable?
What would we do if it rained frogs?
Are there really nines who preside over fives and sixes?
Is there a place where only people who committed suicide go?
Is it a matter of saving or sin?
Couples who last a life time fall in love with each other an average of six times over the course of their relationship.
Does all of our art create the fate of other beings?
Does a stroke cause a stride?
Mind has been blown

LALALA
I'LL KNIFE YOU.

^words, lyrics, thoughts, questions, combinations... nonsense.


I had an unexpected occurrence today.

I would love to be similar to the girl in "You Never Know" by Immortal Technique. The girl who buys books on a weekly basis for Technique...who'd smoke intelligently and thrive aloofly.

So I looked up the song meanings for Upward Over the Mountain by iron and wine...though I love the Jesse Lacey cover tons more...and I've learned that it's generally about the relationship between a mother and her son, about how he's outgrowing her nest, about how they've shared oddly emotional moments together and those in themselves proves their solid bond. The image of birds flying a mountain...gently with a breeze...sort of agreeing with nature and letting her lead them. I want that....i want than tattooed to my body. I want that image forever branded to me.

most emotions are fleeting.